John Lallo, 21, died on January 11, 2017 painfully of old age, despite having requested euthanasia every year since his eleventh birthday. He was surrounded by his family member and loved one who accompanied him via facetime in his final moments. John was born on the 8^th of August, 1995. He is survived by his younger brother and his own ghost, which can be seen roaming the aisles of abandoned Blockbusters Monday through Thursday. His spirit is temporarily bound to this plain due to ongoing litigation regarding an overdue copy of Microwave Ramen for Dummies.

He worked as a failed writer, providing for no one other than himself, and contributing nothing of value in his time. He is most notably remembered for coining the phrase ‘I’d rather not’, which were coincidentally also his final words, said in response to being asked if he would like to be quoted for final words. Among his favorite hobbies were watching footage of people taking long walks on the beach and practicing his laugh in the mirror. In May of 2009 he suffered a sprained optic nerve after rolling his eyes too hard.

Family and friend are invited to attend Inkwell Coffeehouse in Long Branch NJ, where his ashes will be ‘scattered among the hippies’, as per his last request. He also asked that a mariachi band play during this moment or, alternatively, that anyone with broken English and/or a severe speech impediment attempt to sing ‘The Sound of Silence’.

His will, as has been made public, leaves the control of his remaining social media accounts to the Johnnie Walker estate for their many contributions to his career. His wardrobe is to be auctioned off and ‘burned before it ever goes to Goodwill’. The hot sauce, book, and record collections he amassed in his last years are to be destroyed along with his remains. Scorned lovers are encouraged to join.