If you haven't seen "When the Fat Girl Gets Skinny by Blythe Baird, here is a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXFaaWmaltE
Blythe Baird is one of my favorite slam poetry/spoken word performers featured on Button Poetry. Her words are ridiculously powerful and this is the impact they had on me.
*Disclaimer: I have not been diagnosed with an eating disorder; these are my thoughts as a girl struggling with body image. Blythe speaks about her experience with an eating disorder.
This is what I would add to Blythe Baird's words, from my own experiences:
When I was young, not little, because I wasn't "little",
the room was filled with people singing "Happy Birthday",
out of tune and on the wrong pitches, I watched
as the cake made its way towards me.
My face, glowing in the candle light,
became illuminated by the sugary carbs sitting under me.
And when it was time to make a wish, I closed my eyes,
squeezed them tight and wished that I
could be "little", "thin", "small".
Because my life until that point had consisted of
doctor's visit and weight checks and fearing the number on the scale.
My days were spent constantly hearing, "maybe you shouldn't eat that"
and "didn't you just have dinner?".
For once in my life, I wanted to be able to have my cake
and eat it too.
And here I am, at 19 years old, still afraid of the number on the scale
because at a young age, I was taught to focus on the digits
instead of focusing on my physical and mental health.
Growing up in a world of 00 when you are a size 12 is not easy.
Taking control of my life, making the changes I wanted to see happen,
that is where I became, me.
No longer the girl that cried in the dressing room stalls or hid behind the wall of sweatpants.
I became healthy, I became happy and I became the person I wanted to be when I was little.
I wanted to be me.
Every once in a while, that girl that cried in the dressing rooms
creeps out from the back of my mind
and reminds me of how hard it is to be
who I am.
But, I try to push her away and focus
on who I've become and who I want to be
because that girl is who I was,
not who I am.