So the people in my home are starting to get a little irritated at all the packages showing up at my door every week. I'm not really sure who I am anymore. I admit I have been on my phone at three in the morning looking at clip-on bangs on Amazon for two hours: I've become a monster.

Help me.

amazon prime

I bought Amazon Prime years ago when I only bought things once a month, if that, because it was easier not to pay for shipping and get my item delivered to my door in a couple of days. But now I order things on Amazon in the middle of the grocery store aisle when I am staring at them two feet from my face! It's cheaper! I may waste a huge cardboard box for my tiny jar of night cream but hey, I'm saving money, right? And yes, I recycle, but does everybody else?

Amazon's turned into a machine that is only rivaled by Google. They are fighting neck and neck for world domination and I am playing into it like a mousetrap with cheese, and I'm really OK with it. And so are most other people. If you're a business these days, not having your product listed on Amazon is slow suicide. There are marketers whose only job is to help advertisers list and market their product on Amazon. It's a thing.

And it works because even though I am trying to save money everywhere else in my life, my Amazon "deposits" keep growing. I've turned to online grocery shopping through my local store, which seems to have me spending less money on my grocery bills. I just pick up the order when it's ready—it's convenient, and I don't spend a lot on impulse buying when I see things in the store that I just don't need. But Amazon has the opposite effect on me. I can scroll products for hours—reading reviews and comparing prices. It is becoming a psychosis and it's so convenient!

I've never had a shopping problem before but I know there must be a 12-step group for this somewhere. I could just make myself stop, but the main problem is that I do not want to stop. Every time I buy a product on Amazon, I have done so much research before buying it that I am invested. There has got to be someone sitting behind the controls of that website twiddling their fingers like Mr. Smithers on the Simpsons and laughing maniacally every time I click on "Add to Cart."

To make things harder on me, of course, they invented Amazon Smile. Now I can justify all my spending since I am contributing to a charity of my choice! "This lash-extending mascara with 756 positive reviews is going to save lives, people!" That is me. Every week.


It all comes down to this: Amazon knows what they are doing. And they are by far the best at it. I am fine with them collecting data on me. As long as I get my package in days delivered to my door, I am able to return it easily if I don't like it, and a charity I love gets a little kickback. It's all good. I've sold my soul to Amazon and when my next "present" lands on my doorstep, it will all be forgotten.

Viva La Prime.