Number: (noun) an arithmetical value, expressed by a word, symbol, or figure, representing a particular quantity and used in counting and making calculations and for showing order in a series or for identification.
I’m not one for math. I just got by in high school calculating and solving equations with a tutor by my side and I’m spending college trying to avoid it like the plague, but, so far, numbers have somehow been incorporated into all my classes. I am constantly drawing graphs and analyzing bell curves and I even failed my first (and definitely only) math class last semester.
I am a good student. I do my homework and I study for exams and I go for extra help when it’s necessary. I even like to think sometimes that I am a smart person, but last semester when I took statistics, I fell into a hole I couldn’t pull myself out of. The tutors grabbed onto the rope and pulled and my friends and family grabbed onto that rope too, but I only needed one more person to help me make it out and that was my professor.
But my professor didn’t want to pull me out. He claimed that I didn’t deserve it and that I wasn’t worth it despite my best efforts so I allowed him to fail me.
I didn’t write this to talk about failing a class or share my story of not doing well and how I persevered through it because this time I didn’t, but my life during that time revolved solely around numbers. I was overwhelmed by decimals and fractions and always had a calculator in my bag, but I realized that even when I'm not sitting in math class, I am always consumed with numbers.
Test Scores. GPA. Weight. Likes. Followers. Our bank account. The list goes on. We label ourselves with these numbers and let it define us like we’re some kind of machine.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a 4.0 GPA or more money to spend or a smaller number on the scale as long as you don’t let the number define your self-worth. Numbers destroy us. People have turned to drugs, cheating, spending hours obsessing over the perfect edit to their already-probably-just-fine photo, and burning themselves out in order to have that better label.
Our society is constantly ranking people. Whether it’s looking for a job or applying to college or taking the SAT’s or auditioning for a competition. The arbitrary numbers that we label ourselves with or let other people label us with make us feel worthless and less beautiful.
My failing grade last semester didn’t show my talents or my passions or my fears. It didn’t show how I cry at sad movies and can finish a whole book in two days. It didn’t show how I eat a banana almost daily and how I prefer iced coffee to hot coffee. It didn’t show the hours I spent with tutor after tutor trying to get my grade a few points higher. It didn’t show who I was as a person in addition to the numbers on my test papers.
Test scores don’t prove intelligence. Weight doesn’t prove beauty. Money doesn’t prove happiness. Followers don’t prove popularity.
I am not defined by a numerical label. I cannot be calculated. I cannot be ranked.
I am not a number.
