I did gymnastics when I was younger. Like any other kid whose parents were trying to get them into extracurricular activities. It was fun. I liked it. But I was never really any good at it. I couldn’t flip.

Backwards or forward. Couldn’t do a back walkover. Fell off the balance beam… a lot. Got really bad calluses from the bars. I was pretty damn good at holding my handstands the longest though, and I was good at cartwheels too, but if you asked me to do one today, years later, I’d probably flop right onto my butt.

The one thing I could never do though, not even once, no matter how hard I tried or how much my coaches helped me, was to do a backbend. I just wasn’t very flexible at all, never was, and I can’t even touch my toes 'til this day, which is probably a good explanation as to why I’m not an Olympic gold medal gymnast right now. And that’s okay! The girls who are actually good at this stuff… Daaanngg. Props to you for real. But as much as my back cannot bend, outside of my days in the gym or on the mat, I continuously find myself bending over backwards for people in my life who come into it, and don’t deserve it.

I am NOT a gymnast.

But I let people walk all over me and flip me (screw me over) in every which way. I am an over-caring person by nature. I am that “mom” friend of the group. If I let you in my life, I will be there for you through thick and thin and always make sure that you are okay. Now being like this, I learned, is basically opening the door for bad people to take advantage of you and how you care for people. I’ve had people come into my life that have used me, treated me badly, manipulated me, and made a fool out of me.

And you know what? For way longer than I should have… for a while… I let them. I let them treat me like garbage and I still gave and gave and gave to them hoping they would change and realize that they were hurting me when I’m just trying to be the good person I know I am. I take it as they might be in trouble, and me being an over caring person, I feel like I can help them and show them a better way. But they are smarter than me, and know what I’m doing, and learn just how to take advantage of me more. Why are people like this? All I ask is that you treat me back with the same respect I treat you. Whether you are a friend or romantic relationship there should be no difference in knowing how to be equal with each other.

I am NOT a gymnast.

I do not need a gold medal in return for the things I give and do for you. But a bronze every once in a while would be nice and greatly appreciated. Just so I know you’re not using me, and that you care for me back. But that is not the same, because the people I bend over backwards for… the people you may bend over backwards for… they don’t know how to care. And they don’t think they have to just because they know they have you and know that they can get away with anything from you because you care too much to risk standing up for yourself and causing a fight or risk having them walk out of your life. At this point in my life… I’ve learned to let them keep walking.

I am NOT a gymnast. But at one point in my life I knew I was bending over backwards for people I knew would never do the same back for me… and I just let it be because I didn’t want to lose them. I felt that there was something wrong with me or that it was my responsibility to change them. But in this case specifically (where I had multiple similar in the past and I cut them out sooner, because I don’t deserve to be used and treated like that) I knew they were never going to. So I just let things be… falsely hoping… but that only made my back and body hurt more than ever. I’m letting myself be walked on precisely like walking on a balance beam. Letting myself be run into headfirst as if approaching the vault. I had to learn to be free. Learn how to be flexible in my own way, but know how to stand my ground when I need to stick my landing. The more people like this who came into my life, the more I learned, and the easier it was to walk away from them. To let them be. To let them go use someone else. Break their backs because they are done breaking mine.

I am NOT a gymnast. And I am DONE bending over backwards for people who do not deserve it. Those who had used me. And had taken advantage of my caring nature. Those who made me feel so small. The real people in my life lifted me back up and gave me as I gave them when neither of us asked for much, but we do things for each other because we know we need to show we care… every once in a while. Unasked. No question. Those are the people who give me a gold medal when I only wanted a bronze.

Those are the people who will show their full selves to you and deliver to the fullest in every which way. My back hurts less now because of the things I’ve learned from the people I used to bend over backwards for just so they could kick me from behind. My back hurts less now because I’m done waiting for people to change and prove themselves to be different. My back hurts less now because I now know how to spot those people a mile coming and I know how to stay away. My back hurts less now because I’ve learned to let go, forget, and not care. My back hurts less now because I’ve learned how to not give my full caring self to people right away. Not until they show me how they care first or meet me in the middle.

My back feels better now because I know who the people are in my life, who will lift me up when I fall, who will always be there and care for me. Just as much as I do for them. They have always been there. They’ve been there for me when the bad ones who used to use me came into my life. They stood up for me. Comforted me. Loved me. CARED for me. They are and always will be the gold medals earned in my heart.

I am NOT a gymnast. Want to see me do that cartwheel now? It’s pretty funny.