As humans, we can either be very self-assured and confident with every shuffle down the sidewalk or we can over-analyze to the point where we can't even take one step down the street.
Recently, I've been noticing a fear creeping up on me that everything I do is wrong in some way. I overthink every little thing I say or do, wondering if it's OK or if what I'm doing might be considered abnormal.
The real kicker is, though, is that most of these things aren't abnormal at all.
An example: In a conversation with someone I don't know particularly well (but with mutual friends), we'll talk about things we're interested in. I'll try to read their face, but they won't express how a comment made them feel. Body language doesn't give anything up, either, so I usually fall silent as they take up conversation with the rest of the group. Then I'm left wondering: Was it something I said? Did I say something weird?
I know that no one is perfect and life isn't as well thought out as a movie script—but why can't I stop thinking about whether or not what I said was wrong? Is it some subconscious need for validation? Is it the human want and need to please everyone?
I don't know!
This small example is just the foundation of larger problems...
I apologize. All. The. Time.
It has become such a habit that I don't even realize when I say it half of the time. Typically, people will point it out or yell at me because I shouldn't be sorry for no reason.
I know that! But I can't stop. It's like a chronic disease! I can't shake the words. I try to avoid saying them, but they're embedded so deeply in my genetic code that I can't stop saying them. I'll say "sorry" if I feel like I'm in someone's way, if someone runs into me, or just for no specific reason at all. I feel like every time I text or call someone, even a friend, that I'm being bothersome. And I end up apologizing for that, too.
I'm stuck trying to figure out how I've made it this far with this preoccupation with how people perceive me. A decent amount of the time, I'll forget these feelings and feel like I don't give a hoot about what anyone says or thinks about me. The other half of the time, this fear will creep up and make me wonder what people really think of me.
I feel like it's a mix of distrust, the need to please others, and anxiety. But I know that there are other people that feel this way. I'm not the only one who can be afraid of how people see me, how my actions influence others, or if I have any impact at all on another person.
It's the act of trying to climb that hill—that obstacle—so that you can break free of old thoughts and habits. It's the try. You have to try to change and try to better yourself. You have to push yourself to forget the menial things that won't matter later. What people say does not matter. It's what you think of yourself. Your image of yourself is what usually reflects to other people, so it's up to you to be the person you want others to see. Perception is powerful and that's why you should use it to build yourself up, not to tear yourself down.
I know I'm still trying to figure it out and many others who feel this same exact way. However, I know that one day, we'll get to be the person we want to be without fear or worry about what others think. We won't even think about if what we said or did was wrong. We'll be unapologetic in our choice and damn well firm with our outcomes. We'll get over this, eventually.
