Not All Men Are The Same
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Not All Men Are The Same

Ouch! Black men are constantly being compared and bashed for not being the man that their woman hoped for.

Not All Men Are The Same

There are millions of handsome men that have graced this Earth of all different races and ethnicities, physical statues and cultural backgrounds.

Out of all of the men I have dated, or didn’t date, over the course of my 21 years, I always reverted back to the same type of men. Guys who are 1) Taller than me, 2) have athletic physiques, and 3) overly charming. I must admit, in most cases, it hasn’t worked out in my favor. Nevertheless, I’ve dated all kinds of guys, but there’s nothing like a strong, breathtaking black man. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve come across some fine men of other races, but there’s just something about my black men.

African-American men come in all different shades: chocolate, caramel, chestnut, mocha, toffee and bronze are a few, to say the least, but ladies, we seem to box them in one huge category… the they-are-all-the-same-type-of-man category.


How many of you have used this phrase before? I know I have whether it was true or not. We could meet a man who looks, talks and walks totally opposite of what we’ve had before, but we will generalize them in a heartbeat without thinking twice about it. Why is that?

One guy I interviewed, Christopher Harps, 23, feels that women who have the notion that “all men are the same” are the ones “chasing” after a certain type of man. “This programs their brains to think all men are the same, but in actuality, it's their bad judgment in men that leads them to these unsuccessful relationships,” said Harps.

OK, Mr. Harps! I’m quite sure that women wish we could program our brains to scan every man that comes our way in order to see what type of person he is and what are his motives. Wouldn’t that be wonderful, ladies? I would love to create the perfect formula to build my perfect man, but let’s face it, that is not going to happen.

We will eventually come across the imperfect man that is just perfect for us, and if you’ve found your King already, you are lucky, but for the rest of us, before we find Mr. Right, we run across:

“Mr. Right For Me In This Moment,” “Mr. I Wish I Never Met You,” “Mr. I Can’t Tell The Truth To Save My Life,” and my personal favorite, “Mr. I Love You And I Cheated So You Left And Now I Finally Realize What I Had,” type of man.

And this, Mr. Harps, is how our brains start to “program” what type of guy we are currently dealing with or choose not to deal with.

According to Gared Watkins, Jr., 22, another guy I interviewed, said women shouldn't think that all men are the same. In his defense for men, he said that every man has his guiding principle, theories of life and way of behavior. “Behavior and life principles differ from men to men, so how then can all men be the same?” he questioned.

“How can you label other guys because of the guy who broke your heart before me?” asked the million of guys who are reading this article, and every guy I’ve ever had the chance to have an intimate conversation with. The answer is quite simple, or overly complicated, depending on the woman.

Men feel that they are prejudged because of past relationships women have had and women feel that all men will be the same, according to the men I’ve interviewed. “There are many women that feel men take pride in quantity over quality,” said Watkins. “There are still good men in this world but many women are not able to get over their past.”

From my personal experiences, I agree with Watkins. And the truth of the matter is, there are still good men out there, but we sometimes refuse to accept this fact. Majority of the time, I can be completely guarded, overly defensive and very difficult in hopes to push men away because I’ve been exposed to multiple heartaches. We feel that it is OK and normal to bring baggage from our prior relationships into our current ones.

This plays a crucial part when women prejudge black men. If we notice a nice looking man who dresses well and carries himself with confidence, we presume that he is a good catch - well mannered, for seeking and educated. However, we can see that same man with baggy pants and a white tee and presume he’s just the opposite, without ever initiating a conversation with the guy.

We, as women, are quick to judge our black men and tarnish their character, but are upset when other races tear them down. We are never the ones to uplift them or help build them up.

“All black men cheat”, “Men aren’t sh*t”, “All good men want whores”, “Y’all men ain’t loyal”, “Men never do right”, “You just like all the rest”, “You ain’t gon’ change”, “We prefer tall guys over short ones”, “We like men with beards” and “You’re too soft” are phrases from the men I interviewed, in which they thought were childish and distasteful that they have heard women use in reference to them.

And the list goes on, and on. So ladies, raise your hand if you have been a victim to labeling men.

Welp, I plead the fifth. These things have mental and physical effects on relationships. Martice Buckley, 22, another one of my interviewees, said that majority of people will connect with a person physically first instead of mentally which was posed as a problem to him as to why relationships or friendships don’t last. “I don't think it affects my relationships with women as far as friendships go. But romantically? Yes it affects my relationships tremendously,” said Harps. “Females keep their guard up and end up pushing me away because they expect me to hurt them the same way their ex or the last person they were intimate with did.”

Watkins shared his insight on the matter, too. “Many times if an individual feels they are not making any progress towards a goal; they will stop pursuing because they may feel they are chasing too much.” He added that if a man is already being judged, they might feel it’s time to explore more options and move on.

Haven’t we seen, or heard, this before, ladies? Past relationships are only a piece of the problem that fit into our puzzle, but there are plenty more. Harps said that though women have their own opinions about men, social media outlets and television shows change our views of how we see men. Great point.

“We have propaganda that has been transmitted through social media, television, movies, music, etc. that tells us everyday men aren't sh-t. Women listen to songs about men cheating, watch movies on Lifetime about men cheating, and read memes on IG about men cheating. With all of these things programming itself into your mentality every day, it's pretty damn hard not to come to the conclusion that men aren't sh*t,” he said.

It's true. Some men cheat. Some men are more clingy than others. Some men are distant and emotionally detached. Some men are unstable - financially or emotionally, but I have to admit, my judgement isn’t always the best when it comes to picking men.

“I feel that is disrespectful towards the good men out here,” said Watkins. “We, as men, may share similar thoughts and tendencies, but we are definitely not the same.” “Women have to understand that prejudging men isn’t healthy for them,” said Larry Robinson, 25, an interviewee. “They’ll forever end up miserable and single.”

Hold up, say what? “It just takes that one special guy who has his sh*t together in order to show her he’s not like the guys she’s encountered before,” said Robinson. “We all have to know our worth and who’s worth holding on to, who’s more valuable, who we should invest in with time, love, affection,” He went on to say, “ But why? Because you will never know a person until you have self experience with them to know if he’s not like the rest or if he really is.”

Maybe, I should take this advice for myself.

In conclusion, every single man is not, and will not be the same, but they are all men. While we may, or may not, have been wise about our choice, preference or type of man, it is a process. It has been a chance for us, ladies, to mold ourselves into the women we want to become for our Mr. Right.

In the meantime, we have to stop putting labels and titles on men who could possibly become a good friend or great soulmate. Let’s stop making premature judgements and enjoy great adventures with a good, or not so good, man.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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