A sad picture comes across the screen and the second I recognize it I look away. Looking at the picture scares me. Something deep down about being sad absolutely scares me. I have never really faced ultimate sadness. I have never truly felt sad. My tendency is to quickly run away from anything that I feel like I have missed out on a basic human right.
This is nothing new for most people but for me, it is so much more. Being sad does not make me angry, but afraid that I might fall down a deep spiral that I feel like I would not be able to climb out of. When I think about the sadness that people experience I just comprehend it. Mentally, it is weird. Feeling sad is something I do not want to experience.
Yes, I have felt some sadness before but not in the way most people have. Two of my grandparents passed away before I was born, the 3rd shortly after my birth. My fourth and final grandparent lived with Alzheimer's disease my whole life and while I knew her until I was nearly 10 years old, I didn't truthfully. Not having my grandparents in my life was different but normal to me. To most people, it sounds sad but to me, it wasn't. I didn't know any better.
Now, I do not want people to take this article as something that it is not. Writing this article does not make me spoiled or sheltered but real. Life threw curve balls at me and while I didn't hit them out of the park, I didn't hesitate to swing or have a pinch hitter. Swinging was a necessity for me. I just do not know what it feels like not to be happy in some sort. I want to be happy because I feel like deep down in my DNA there is something saying that I am not allowed to be sad.
I have always tried looking for the better. Even when things go wrong or horrifically, I tried to find something good. A few weeks ago my car was hit while driving. My mind thought about my poor car and what it could mean for it yet at the same time I thought about the fact that I would not have scratches on the hood or bumper anymore. This probably sounds crazy but for me, it is not.
So, right now I am happy. I am happy not because I am afraid to be sad that because I just am generally happy. Graduation is coming up quickly, I landed a big girl job, and God is taking care of me. I can not say when I will be sad but I am absolutely dreading the day where I need to come face to face with this emotion. The extreme emotion. Until then, I will enjoy life and all its bliss.
