In my school experience, Valentine’s Day was a source of extreme awkwardness and dread. It was essentially a popularity contest, as if any of us needed reminding of how unpopular we were. Okay class, let’s sit and watch the teacher pass out carnations and gawk at the girl that gets thirty. I would receive maybe 2-5 carnations. Oh my god, okay, this is cool there are approximately two people that think I’m worth $1. Okay, I’m not such a loser after all. I would overanalyze the meaning until the original concept was beat to a pulp. Umm, okay he sent me a carnation, is that like just as a friend, or more than a friend? I can’t read minds. I do like him, but I don’t want him to know that I like him because I’m an independent woman. I need to avoid him for the rest of the day. Or, for all eternity. Down the hall comes Miss Perfect looking like an Abercrombie & Fitch model with her fake personality gratified by an armful of carnations, and a giant bear that won’t fit into her locker. She giggles and coos as, heaven forbid, she can’t shove this massive amount of love into this decrepit locker. The halls were a jungle of cheap Made-In-China riffraff with the stagnant smell of grocery store carnations and I would ask myself why we must go through this torture year after year.

Today, I’ve been married for five years. I’m so removed from the world of dating that I feel like I’m watching it from the outside of a fishbowl. I see all the single fish swimming around like mad wondering what on earth to do about Valentine’s Day. I also want to tell them, “Dude, you’re in a bowl.” When you start to question what you understand, your options become unlimited. Single fish, you don’t have to care about this stupid day. You don’t have to watch everyone have fun wasting their money. Have fun doing things that you enjoy. Dating fish, you don’t have to buy into the consumer madness. Just have fun being together, which you should be doing already anyway. Married fish, the same goes for you. Enjoy people, not things. Remember, you are actually celebrating the beheading of a hopeless romantic that lead to religious assimilation.

Is my dislike for this holiday rooted in bitterness? Just a bit. Is it because this is a consumer-driven holiday founded on the concept that you must endure stress and financial burden to prove that you love your significant other? Hell yes. So I ask you people, why? Why do we do this? Why do we mindlessly recreate traditions based on what has become the norm of society? Why do we make kids measure their self-worth based on dollar carnations? Why do we program our children to believe that love is found in chocolate and artificial bears? I get to spend my life with my best friend. We go on adventures, and we raise a dog together. That’s all the affirmation I need.