The names and places of those mentioned have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
CARLISLE, PA- Native Carlisle resident Emily Branford, a 34-year-old full grown adult person, was having a discussion with her co-workers at Planned Finances last Thursday when she made what has been described as a “bold move”. After sitting on her thought for several minutes while her co-workers forged on with their discussion, Branford eventually decided to just go for it and came forward with her contribution. The only problem, however, was that her line had the word “beguiling” in it, which Branford had never used before.
“I’d seen it in writing several times," Branford said, “I had a solid grasp on what the word meant, I just had never said it before, so I was nervous that I wouldn’t be able to pronounce it properly." Her fears, unfortunately, turned out to be well grounded and her coworkers were confused for nearly a minute as they tried to figure out what she had said.
“It sound like ba-gwilling," said the company’s senior analyst, Megan Mason, “I genuinely didn’t know what she was trying to say and I really wanted to figure it out because she clearly was affected by our reaction”.
“I thought she was trying to talk about Bear Grylls” commented Bryce Davis, 29, “it was confusing because I couldn’t find any way in which he could connect to the fluctuation in client deposits, but it definitely sounded like she was saying his name”.
Their confusion was likely compounded by the fact that Branford was making reference to a talking point that they had moved on from three minutes previously, as she had spent that time trying to craft the perfect response and then deliberating whether or not she actually wanted to deliver it.
After she, a full grown adult, failed to pronounce a middle school sight word, Branford watched in horror as her co-workers tried to piece together what she was trying to say, just like actual people do when one of the tiny half-people we commonly refer to as “children” try to relay any thought other than “I’m hungry” or “I’ve got to take a real mean dump right about now”. Like these minature not people, whose presence drivers have to be warned of lest they run over one who has idiotically sprinted out into the street in pursuit of their ball, Branford failed to force the air out of her face flaps in the way that she was supposed to to make words sound good. She could do nothing but stare brokenly at her colleagues as they tried to determine whether she lacked the physical capacity for proper speech or if she wasn’t intellectually developed enough to relay abstract ideas in a manner palatable to others, a trait which many would argue is the thing that sets human apart from other animals.Branford was feeling embarrassed, admitting that she’d even written the word several times before the unfortunate incident on Thursday. To make matters worse, it’s frightening to think that she’d actually used that word in a sentence before the incident in question seeing as she misused the word. Branford tried to describe Paul Giamatti’s role in the 2001 adaptation of Planet of the Apes as “beguiling”, which means charming in a deceptive manner, even though the word she was searching for was “perplexing”. When presented this information, Branford explained that she assumed that the two were synonymous. She declined to make further comment on the matter.At press time, Branford decided that the best course of action would be to lay low for a while. She was later seen army crawling to the refrigerator, getting her lunch bag and putting it in her mouth, then returning back to her desk in the same manner a full 20 minutes prior to the office lunch break.