If you've ever read Dante Alighieri's "Inferno" you have a pretty good understanding of what Hell is like... or so you thought. As it turns out, the nine circles Dante wrote about are completely fabricated from folklore. Perpetrators fear not as your obsessions with lust, greed, gluttony, etc., will not affect your afterlife experience. I recently took a spiritual journey to Hell in order to find out what REALLY lands you in there. Dante was right about one thing, there are different "circles" or layers of Hell, each tailored to a specific act of immorality. However, there are six circles, not nine.
1. The first circle is where country music fans are forced to an eternity of suffering.
I'm not talking about old-school country like Johnny Cash. I'm talking about the generic "I have two first names, a pick-up truck, and love to drink cheap beer" country music. Souls who are found guilty of genuinely enjoying this music must live in a Hell made by their own design. They have to sit through endless cycles of EDM concerts without alcohol or drugs of any sort. For all of eternity.
2. The second circle is for people who don't say "thank you" whenever someone holds the door for them.
These sinners are sentenced to a never-ending escalator ride in which there are signs saying "Salvation: 5 Minutes" placed to make them believe that their journey is almost done but in actuality, it's just a trick.
3. The third circle is for the stuck-up people of the world.
Those who think they are better than everyone else serve an eternity of getting ready for a fancy event or a night on the town. They put their best outfits together and KNOW how good they look. When they arrive at their destination, they are booed by everybody around them. Things like "You left the house looking like that? What, are you blind?" and "Hey buddy, you know you SUCK right?" are hollered at them while other members of the crowd throw rotten food and garbage at them.
4. The fourth circle is for people who sleep with their socks on (on purpose).
Once you are in this circle there is no return. These folks just walk around a room riddled with dirty, stinky socks.
5. The fifth circle is dedicated to the people who like "Hawaiian" style pizza.
You know, the real sickos out there who destroy God's most sacred creation by putting ham and pineapple on it. You can consider this to be a form of gluttony. They are actually sent back to earth, EXCEPT they come back severely lactose intolerant.
6. The worst of the worst are sent to the sixth circle of Hell.
This is where the people who do CrossFit end up. Don't let their seemingly excellent physique fool you, these people have chosen a life of vanity and self-importance. They are banished to a never ending series of "totally sick" workouts and afterward when they inevitably go to tell everyone about it, nobody listens.
