Do you wish something different of yourself? I'm sure you do-- because, who doesn't? I wish I had straight hair. I wish I had blue eyes. I wish I was tall. I wish I was smarter.
I wish I was less *insert your insecurity here*.
My skin has always been my biggest insecurity. In middle school I would occasionally breakout, but everyone (including myself) just associated it with my age: pre-teens, hormones, body changes, blah blah blah. In high school, I still found myself in the same position.
Again, I associated it with my age. Don't get me wrong-- the 'age' association didn't make my dealing with it any easier. In August of 2014, I left for college (and my breakouts came with me).
My skin made me embarrassed. I felt as if everyone else around me had clear skin and I was the only one who was breaking out. I felt as if when anyone would talk to me or get close to me, my skin was all they were looking at.
I would wash my face tirelessly. I tried every face wash, every medicine, every Proactive-esque product you could imagine. Nothing seemed to work.
I would try to justify why I was breaking out: I ate junk food yesterday, maybe that's what it's from. I should be getting my period within the week, maybe that's why I'm breaking out. The seasons are changing, maybe my skin's reacting to that.
In December of 2014, my mom took me to the dermatologist. The doctor started me on a low-grade oral medication and topical cream for my skin. Fast-forward six months, three oral medications, and countless topical creams-- my skin still wasn't getting any better.
Fast-forward again to June of 2015: my dermatologist had one last option for me-- Accutane (also known as Isotretinoin, Claravis, Amnsteem, Zenatane etc). This was different, much different, than the other oral mediciations I had taken. This was heavy-duty stuff and, at first, it kind of freaked me out. The side-effects and health risks scared the crap out of me. I'm 19-- I thought-- and this medicine is really serious.
Long story short, my parents and I agreed that I would give it a shot. I took two pills twice a day; I had to get monthly blood tests to make sure my liver was still functioning properly; I had to take monthly pregnancy tests to prove I wasn't pregnant, because women are not legally allowed to take Accutane while pregnant because it causes serious birth defects; I had to see my dermatologist every month so she could make sure I wasn't depressed or suicidal, because Accutane often causes patients to become depressed and to have suicidal thoughts. This routine was set-in-stone; it worked like clock-work, and there was no leeway with time. I did this routine while I was home and also while I was away at school.
Accutane caused my skin to become so dry that it would crack; I applied chapstick like it was my job. I never had a nosebleed before in my life, but I got nosebleeds regularly. Accutane also caused me pretty severe joint pain. My back hurt as if I was 80 years old. My feet hurt if I had to stand for more than 30 minutes at a shot. I was tired all of the time.
Accutane made me feel physically worse than I had ever felt in my entire life. BUT-- eight months, countless bottles of Motrin, and fathomless tubes of chapstick later, I had clear skin.
The aches were there, trust me ... but I had clear skin, and that meant everything to me.
I felt like sh*t, but I never felt better.
My self-consciousness really held me back: I stayed in a lot, skipped going out with friends, and sometimes went home on weekends just because I didn't want to see a lot of people. I put off going back to my summer job as long as possible because all I wanted to do was stay home and not have to see anyone because I was so self-conscious of my skin.
Maybe you wish you had straight hair or blue eyes. Maybe you wish you were tall or maybe you wish you were smarter. Or, like me, maybe you wish you had clear skin.
Everyone has insecurities, but letting them hold you back from living and enjoying your life is really a shame (and something I definitely do regret when I look back on the past couple years of my life).
One year ago, I started Accutane. Here I am, 12 months, much less Motrin and much less chapstick later, and I feel like a completely different person.
If you have curly hair and wish it was straight, there is nothing wrong with straightening it. If you wish you were taller and wear shoes with a heel because they make you feel more confident, there is nothing wrong with that. If you wish you had clear skin, there is nothing wrong with talking to your dermatologist and seeing what your options are.
There is nothing wrong with having an insecurity and wanting to change it; my only advice is this: don't let your insecurities become so intense that they hold you back from living and enjoying your life.
If your straightener is burnt out, don't let your curly hair keep you in on a Friday night. If you forgot your heels, don't stay in on Friday night because you only have your flats. And if my skin breaks out, I won't let that keep me in on a Friday night either.
