There was once a time where I wasn’t this bubbly ball of laughs and smiles. There was a time when my darkest days seemed endless and I felt like I didn’t have any reason to smile. Those were the times when I used to shrug and say I’m fine so that people could leave me alone. I would come home from school and just sit in my room, staring at the ceiling. I remember always wishing things to be better or to live a different life. I would spend days fantasizing about being a glamorous person in the big city (I still dream about that sometimes), but back then, those dreams were made up to fill a void.
There was a time that I would be so upset at everything that I became depressed. My depression led to me being suicidal and I stayed that way on and off again for about four years. I remember every single attempt I had at ending my life and I failed each time. This will probably be the only time when I can say that I am happy at my failure. This is only my second time publicly announcing my troubled past; however, I only tell it in hopes that someone can relate or learn from my story.
Much time has passed from then and now. I feel like a totally different being. A positive spirit filled with peace, love, and compassion for everyone; at least I like to think that I do. I try to be kind and loving to everyone because one never knows what anyone can be going through, even if they are a loved one. I am more open now. I share old stories, get involved on campus, and surround myself with phenomenal people. I’m better now. I have my bad days every now and then, but doesn’t everyone. I mean life isn’t perfect. People aren’t perfect. School can be a burden. Work can be stressful. Life can be excessively heavy on your shoulders.
But tonight something happened.
I just got off work close to 11:00 p.m. I was in my car driving home with the windows down. The wind ambushed my curly hair and brought a cool breeze to my skin. The creepy sounds of the night filled my car and the smell of the summer air swept through. The moon was big, beautiful, and bright in the sky. I took a deep breath and then one of my favorite songs came on. I instantly smiled and sung to the top of my lungs. I danced awkwardly in my seat so that I could still drive straight. I laughed at how ridiculous I probably looked, but in that moment I didn’t care. I felt so free and relaxed that my happiness went above and beyond the horizon where I knew no one could dictate how I feel. I smiled as I thought of how lucky I am to simply be alive. I smiled of how thankful I am to simply be free. As soon as I got home, I grabbed my laptop and starting writing this article because of my new inspiration. My joy of life.
