1. No one can tell you why.

Every doctor's visit, every failed fertility pill, and every checkup, no one can really explain to you why you were able to get pregnant within a month with your first child and then take years of trying with your second. You can't fully comprehend why things were so easy the first time around and seem impossible now. It's truly devastating and you may feel like no one cares or is trying to help you; trust me, they are!

2. The pain.

Every single month you convince yourself, this is it. You're finally pregnant. You get the nausea, the sore breasts and the cravings. Even though it's too early to test, every nerve ending feels like it's on fire with excitement. Finally when the time comes and you're ready to test, and you get that huge negative, it's like a slap in the face. I couldn't begin to count how many tests I would take in a day to convince myself that I in fact was not truly pregnant. I also wouldn't be able to tell you how many tears I've shed over this. You can't stop yourself from getting your hopes up no matter how hard you try. Realizing your mind was playing tricks on you and you were never truly pregnant is one of the harshest realities I've had to come to. Sometimes it feels like this is some sick twisted joke the universe is playing on you. You over analyze every single test, I took pictures of mine and filtered them every way imaginable to try and see if maybe the faintest line would show up in a black and white filter. I've held flashlights to the backs of them to see if maybe the lighting just wasn't right enough to see the second line, but ultimately got my periods the next day if not the same day and it's heartbreaking.

3. The confusion and the guilt.

You'll end up blaming yourself, and probably your partner too. I know I did. You won't understand why this is happening to you and no matter how badly you want to stay positive, after so many months of "Not pregnant" showing up on those tests, you can't help but to think 'something is wrong with me' even when the doctor tells you that you are in fact perfectly healthy. I felt hatred; for myself and for my body. There were so many sleepless nights and tears shed because I truly believed my body wasn't good enough. I blamed everything I did, if I didn't eat healthy, that was the reason I wasn't pregnant. It made me feel like I wasn't a good mother to my first daughter. I believed that if I was a better mom then maybe God would bless me with a second child. It's hard to not think this way but when you finally see, maybe you are in fact healthy, you may start to blame your partner. If I am healthy, then obviously he can't be. I blamed everything my husband did, from a cigarette or a sip of wine. Once I stopped blaming myself, then he had to become the source of the pain because there has to be a source! You cannot fathom how there is no one to blame, but trust me, there's no one to blame. This isn't your fault and it isn't your partner's fault

4. The gain.

Having your first child was a breeze and you're so grateful for how easy it was to conceive. After all the pain of secondary infertility, I promise you as soon as those two lines show up on that little test there isn't a feeling like it. You feel like you're on top of the world and everything just seems a little bit sweeter. On January 18th, 2019, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. She is my absolute pride and joy. Now, on November 3rd, 2020 I'm expecting my second bundle of joy my husband and I tried so desperately to conceive.