‘A Star Is Born’ Isn’t Saving Any Movie-Musicals
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It's never too early to start reading about 2019 Golden Globe Awards!

The all-important movie executives that be are reportedly entering "A Star Is Born" and "Bohemian Rhapsody" in the dramatic category, next year. If you're unfamiliar, The Globes divide their awards into two categories: drama and musical/comedy. I know what you're thinking. That seems arbitrary. In the world with only two kinds of movies, "Her" is a comedy.[1] It's a scheme to make sure every studio gets their fair share of hardware so we can bill Courtney Love as a Golden Globe nominee for the rest of eternity. It's stupid.

Let's consult our friends Merriam and Webster to clear up any confusion about what we're calling musicals, nowadays: "a film or theatrical production typically of a sentimental or humorous nature that consists of musical numbers and dialogue based on a unifying plot."

"Bohemian Rhapsody" doesn't release until November, so let's talk about "A Star Is Born." I think we can all agree it is, in fact, "a film or theatrical production of a sentimental or humorous nature." The sentiment is pretty obvious if you already listened to "Shallow." There's also the unintentional humor in trying to decide if Bradley Cooper can actually play guitar. He took vocal lessons for six months before filming (and directing) the movie, but I refuse to believe his character, Jackson Maine, was ever the best guitar player in Arizona.

I'm not saying Lady Gaga won't deserve it when she inevitably snags the Best Actress in a Drama award on her way to the Oscar. She sings Bradley Cooper under the table and I never fell in love with his two-hour Sam Elliot impression. Her performance, however, is what happens when the perfect talent is in the perfect place. For that, Bradley Cooper deserves an immense amount of credit as the film's director.

The problem is we don't get acclaimed movie musicals often and I'm not letting them take this one away from me. Hugh Jackman can't do it all by himself, people. It won't be long before "Chicago" is 20 years old and then what are we left with? The future isn't looking much brighter. HBO's adaptation of "American Idiot" has been in production hell for two years. Tom Hooper, the man who brought "Les Misérables" to four inches in front of Anne Hathaway's face, is making "Cats" with James Corden and Taylor Swift. I can't tell you how to feel about that but I can tell it's not going to go well. Lin-Manuel Miranda's musicals make so much goddamn money that it'll be 10 years before they ever see a movie theater.

Is there anything you can do to help? Probably not. The film industry is a scary place governed by lizards and sex criminals. But, you can definitely do both of us a favor and see "A Star Is Born" about twelve times before it gets another remake in 25 years.

Thanks for reading.


[1] It's a movie about being cheated on by your cellular phone girlfriend. I was only crying because I was laughing so hard, okay?

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