Hello Mom!,

Just stopping by to remind you that you are doing an awful job at raising your kids. You honestly have no clue what you're doing. Not to mention you're an emotional wreck. You know, funny thought coming in...you actually resemble a ticking time bomb! Ready to self destruct at any moment. It's so interesting how you go on and on and on just trying to pick up the pieces, HA. So confused. So out of sorts. You don't get anything done. You are not achieving anything. Look around you...are you really doing the best you can? Absolutely not. If that's all you got then....wow....You really are a bad mom.

Xx- Brain

Hello Brain,

I've finally got a second. I'll make this water hot so that I'll get out quickly. I don't want to spend too much time in here. I've got so much to do. I can spare 15 minutes right?...It feels so good to rest my head under the water. I can't hear anything but my beating heart...

I'm not used to just hearing my own heart beat. More so, I'm not used to hearing my own thoughts apart from the background noise. I'm not sure if I like this. I'm not even sure who this voice is anymore...

I guess this kind of feels better than the *stuff* going on out there. The crying and tantrums that transcended from yesterday that is still here today. I worked/studied today. But I can't seem to remember exactly what chapter I was on. I can't seem to remember what patient I helped today. Life is moving equal parts slow and fast lately. How is that possible? Not to mention, attempting to give advice to my kid when I need it myself (now more than ever) has been pretty tough for me lately. Coming home and not being able to take my shoes off before hearing, "Who, what, where when why..... and while you figure that out, can you feed me, bathe me, be here for me, play with me???" Is really wearing me out lately: But anyway, Rae...just enjoy your time. Breatheee. You've only got like 12 minutes left. This is great. Sooooo peaceful.

But...shoot, I feel so guilty. Did Grey have a good day? Was I too harsh? Did I give him everything he needed? Is he hungry? God what did he even eat....he should probably drink more water. I'll give him water when I get out of here. What will he be like one day? Will he be gracious and patient? I'm not so patient..but I've got to try to show him how important that is. Will he be trustworthy? And reliable? Are girls going to be waving "hi" and "bye" to me one day and claim to love him like I do? Is he going to openly talk to me when he's bigger, taller, and stronger than me one day? Will I be a good example for him when he goes off on his own and looks for someone who will seal his heart shut with everything he'll ever need in life? Did I do okay today? I hope he's happy. That's all I want. I just hope he's happy. It's getting cold in here. THIRTY MINUTES?! 30 minutes is far too long. I'll go see what my boy is doing.

Xx- Me

Hey God,

It's been a day. Just like the rest. I finally have time to myself because the house is asleep. I know it's 3am. Are you awake?... dumb question. But to be honest I just can't stop tossing and turning without saying this..

I just want to say thank you. Thank you for this precious little life you've given me. Thank you for choosing him to pick me as a mommy. I had no idea I even wanted this. But you showed me motherhood is everything that keeps me whole. Everything that makes me better. Everything that keeps me alive. And...God, I am so incredibly in love with this little boy. He's healthy, and he's sweet too!! He drives me crazy. Sometimes in a good way... and some times in a bad way. He's also stubborn as hell (whoops didn't mean to cuss, sorry) and oh he's funny too. He makes me laugh and I'm still not sure why and how he does it. It's super cool. Maybe... I guess... it's cause I'm actually starting to see myself reflected in him. In his expressions and his silliness..his resilience, and his stubbornness. He's charming and smart. He's playful, and reminds me to tune in to my kid-self again too. I forget that part of me a lot of the time. Well, most of the time. Oh my goodness and he is SO innocent and loves animals. But he gets on the back of our pit bull and we don't know who actually needs help haha... oh and Jesus, he loves the outdoors. He's just like his dad. I thank you for that, too. And another thing.. he also loves his iPad (I would say you wouldn't understand but I'm sure you had this all mapped out a long time ago...you're really a genius by the way. And every parents MVP when it comes to distraction). ANYWHO...God....this opportunity is everything to me. The opportunity to be a mom was never in my plans but it was in yours, and that's all that matters. He is me.
It's been a long day. And sometimes I don't feel like I'm enough. But I'm already at peace talking to you. So I just want to say thank you for blessing me with this little life. I'll do my best. Thank you Lord.

Amen- Me.

Dear fellow mamas,

I hope you understand why I chose this topic. We are all battling our inner selves. Our wheels are constantly turning and we wonder if we're good enough.

In my eyes-If you care enough to question how you're doing at the end of the day, or within any quiet chance you can get, you are more than good enough. It just validated how much you care and love your littles. It means you love them more than anything in this world. What more could they possibly need than that? You're not alone. We all doubt ourselves. We all wonder if we're enough or if we're doing a good enough job. Your expectations are jaded Mama, and it's all in your head. You made fingers and toes that turned in to guitars and hair bows (now or eventually). You made an artist, a football player, a dancer, an activist, a photographer, an accountant, a social worker, a nurse, a PERSON with the chance to just do, be, love, and try. But most of all, you made life inside of your human body. That's something that rightfully deserves a pat on the back.

Go ahead, do it.

I'll end with this: No matter our own head dialogue, you have to remember to give thanks to God and/or the source of your blessings. You were chosen because He knew that you had it in you. The questions will never stop. The wheels will never stop turning. But the comfort in knowing that He chose US mamas to give life... the one who gave US ALL life..will always be enough of every answer we'll ever be given. Especially when doubting ourselves under water.

We're all under water mamas. So tell someone their diaper bag is cute today. Or that you've had a slack boob too.

Xx-Rae

Ps- There are still more prayers to be spoken at the end of the day. When you close our eyes, be sure to acknowledge that there are mamas who have lost their babies. Through miscarriages and more. You are blessed despite of your circumstances. So remember to hug a mamas neck who's prayer under water is more devastating than your own.