Dear Curly Hair,
I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I'm sorry for burning you and damaging you. I'm sorry for the years of relaxing and chemical treatments. I wish I learned to embrace you sooner. I also wish I realized sooner that I, Zenab Elzamzamy, am indeed not white.
One of my biggest regrets is picking up that hair straightener back in sixth grade. If only I had just let you be, everything would be completely different know.
Growing up, I was surrounded by pretty white girls with long, beautiful, pin-straight hair, and I wanted nothing more than to look like them. I wanted to be able to run a comb smoothly through my hair, or toss my hair effortlessly to one side, or feel the wind softly blowing through my hair.
The reality is... if I so much as touch my dry hair with a comb, I'm not getting it back. It's gone. For good. It will forever live in the forest that I have on top of my head. Don't even get me started on trying to run my fingers through it... I'd have an easier time wrestling a bear. And the only breeze that I'm going to feel is my mother's huffing and puffing when she attempts to help me brush my hair.
I had this idea, that I'm sure many people with natural had as well, that in order to be considered pretty I had to look as white as possible. I would rub my skin excessively in the shower to get rid of the darkness, or I would spend hours straightening my hair so that there was not one curl in sight. I was frustrated and confused as to why I did not look like everyone else.
Why did boys always like them and not me? Why didn't they have to go to the bathroom every hour to make sure their hair didn't get curly or frizzy but I did? Why was I constantly patting my hair down to get rid of the volume/ frizz but they weren't?
Why were they pretty... and I wasn't?
To this day, my hair is still one of my biggest insecurities. It has been a year now that I've been on my healthy hair journey, but I am still nowhere near where I want to be. I still need to do more trial and error of what works for my hair and what doesn't. Until then, I guess it will just be more messy buns, ponytails, and protective styles for me.
If only I had picked up coconut oil instead of the hair straightener or a hair masque instead of a blow dryer.
If only I knew back then just how much power curly hair has.
Sincerely,
Zenab
