I've never been comfortable talking about death. The whole concept of death brings me to tears, regardless of who the person is that passes away.
For a majority of my life, I never experienced the death of someone close to me. Sure, I had gone to funerals of great-uncles and family friends, but it was never someone I felt particularly close to. And when I finally did lose someone who was close to me, it all hit me at once.
I lost my great-grandmother in early 2017 and my grandmother just a few months later. Since then, my life has not been the same. It's been a well of emotions - some days are good, some days are bad.
Growing up, I began to understand some things about death. Nothing would ever prepare me for actually losing someone I love, though. There are so many feelings no one tells you about and that are quite indescribable until you actually experience them.
1. It doesn't feel real.
This is one thing I never thought about death before I experienced it. I always assumed death would be an easy concept to understand and that it would feel real, as unfortunate as that is. However, this is far from the case.
Death doesn't feel real - it feels like a bad dream that you never seem to wake up from, especially when it is so unexpected. You feel like everything is a joke. You wake up in the morning thinking your loved one is a phone call away when they aren't. And even when months pass by, it still feels like you're living in this awful far-off world.
2. The littlest things will send you into a well of tears.
Listening to their favorite song. Visiting their favorite restaurant. Having a conversation with their life-long best friend. Although it seems like nothing, it's those little things that push you over the edge and send tears streaming down your face.
3. It makes you question your faith or lack thereof.
Religion has always been another topic I don't enjoy talking about and I try to avoid. However, death and religion go hand-in-hand in many cases, which explains why many funeral services are led by a church and many songs about death reference an afterlife. When it comes to my experiences with death and religion, it's had me feeling everything on the spectrum.
One day, I'll find myself (a typically non-religious person) feeling this connection to God and the basic concepts of a faith like never before. The next day, I'll wonder why this "God" everyone talks about would ever strip me of the person I love. I think about where they actually are now that they're gone.
4. No matter how much time passes, you still think you're going to come home one day and they'll be there waiting for you.
This one hit me particularly hard because I am a college student, and I spend a lot of my time away from my family and home. Every time I go back home for breaks, I walk into my grandma's house thinking I'll see my great grandma smiling from her chair. I went a whole summer break at home without my great grandma around and I still feel this way sometimes.
5. Listening to other people talk about death will make you uncomfortable, especially at first.
Especially when they joke about death, like saying, "I would rather die than go to class today." or whatever else extreme complaint they have in mind. Beforehand, I'd shrug my shoulders and just ignore their "joke". However, now that's far from the case. These kinds of comments make me so mad because I assume by saying something like that, they have no idea what the pain of death is actually like. It's a feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.
6. "I'm sorry" means nothing to you.
This is one I don't think a lot of people understand. When someone hears that a friend has lost someone close to them, they flood them with "I'm sorry" messages over and over again. The amount of times I've heard "I'm sorry for your loss" after loosing my grandma or great grandma was insane. And after awhile, "I'm sorry" means nothing. It brings you little to no comfort, in fact, it begins to sting more than anything else.
7. Once the funeral is over doesn't mean the tears are over.
Since I went so long without loosing a close loved one, I went a long time without experiencing the true aftermath of a funeral. Sure, I had cried during funerals but I always assumed that was the end. It's actually far from it. Sure, there are days where I wasn't crying my eyes out but the first while after the funeral is still hard. It's different for everyone, and one event isn't going to suddenly stop the tears.
8. There will be days where they are the only thing on your mind.
This happens to me a lot, especially when something triggers my thought of them like their birthday, a holiday, or even their favorite movie. You'll think about how much you miss them, how you wish they could be there enjoying Christmas with you. Sometimes this is hard and other times it will fill you with joy.
9. The hole in your heart never really goes away.
They'll always be missing from you, even when you think you have truly moved on. A part of you will always miss them because you've felt their love and you're longing for it once again.
