There are different labels for all types of gal pals (or as adults call them, girl friends).
Famously, every squad seems to have that "mom friend"- but some more wild friend groups have the drunk mom friend.
She’s just like the mom friend except more liberal with what she lets her friends get away with.
1. Safe sex
Rather than do the more reasonable option of being the cockblock, it is the drunk mom friends duty to A) assess the potential hook-up (i.e. do her best to remove those pesky beer goggles) B) make sure no one disturbs the hook up and C) makes sure everyone is protected because genital herpes is not a joke.
2. Helping Friends Get Over A Breakup
So your friend just got out of a six month and seven-day relationship, what do you do? The mom friend would bring ice cream, you bring vodka, the mom friend brings tissues, you get her back on the playing field. In your mind, the best way to help her get over her mans is to realize he was shit anyway. Healthy coping mechanisms who? I don’t know her.
3. Buddy System
There is no other reason to go to a sketchy party than to have some sketchy fun. The drunk mom friend knows that. While the mom friend would herd everyone around the party, the drunk mom friend lets everyone go off and do their own thing (while still keeping an eye on everyone of course) and only intervenes if things look like they are going down hill.
4. Playing Bartender
The drunk mom friend and the mom friend are pretty similar when watching how much you drink. In fact, this is where the line starts to blur. There are two types of “mom friend cutting you off methods” and it depends on the person, not the mom friend. Type A is the I-Count-How-Many-Shots-You-Consume-and-Know-When-You-Stop-Having-Fun-and-Start-Getting-Bad mom friend and type B is I’ll-Cut-You-Off-When-You’re-Seeing-Double mom friend. Both are good. Getting sick is no bueno.
5. Generally Just Playing Cupid
The drunk mom friend is the cool mom. You know you’re friends really well and you don’t want them to wait for the perfect time (which may never come), you want them to live now in the moment. That cute boy from math 101, well he’s at the party right now, and the drunk mom friend will highly encourage you to put your mouth on his. Who cares if it goes nowhere, at least you won’t have any regrets.
5. The Cure For Everything
Your friends don’t come to you for real world advice, they come to you for the temporary fix of just having a plain old good time. If they got drunk with anybody else they might be throwing up and crying in the bathroom, but as the drunk mom friend, you have the unique skill of balancing the amount of alcohol consumed with the right vibe to get them having a good time. What can you say? You’re just doing what you love.
6. Birthdays
Birthdays are the freaking best, aren’t they? It’s a time to just celebrate your friends at their absolute worst and not being able to say anything about it. Luckily you’re at your worst like 87% of the time and it’s good to toss the crown over to someone who deserves it (for a day). You go overboard on birthdays. It has to be festive, the booze has to flow generously, and there should be at least one act of public indecency* by the end of the night.
7. Maintenance
As a human dealing with life, you’ve got your issues. So many issues. But as a drunk mom friend you put your issues aside to just listen. You listen to Karen when a jack-o-lantern reminds her of her abusive ex, you listen to Susan when she reveals something dark from her past, and you listen to Jill when she rants about corn flakes and her masturbation tendencies. You don’t judge, your lips are a vault, and you give the best mom hugs. To all the drunk mom friends who have held me as I reveal more than anyone needs to know, I thank you!
8. Family
As the drunk mom friend, plenty of people have told you that you have just got to be something to their future children. Maybe an aunt or godmother. Despite any self-doubt that you have about your ability to be within ten feet of a real breathing human child, you know you’ll be an amazing role model to these kids. Maybe you’ll take them on a high adventure course, maybe you’ll teach them how to water ski, you can’t help but get excited. Plus once they're gone you can have some good old adult fun with their moms. BONUS.
9. Shots
Mom friends love wine. Drunk mom friends love shots. Honestly enough said. I love my drunk mom friends. Stay with me forever.
* JK don’t do that it’s illegal **
** ;)
