With Thanksgiving just around the corner, anticipation for the holiday season is running high. You can’t wait for Black Friday deals, gathering around the TV to watch a football game you only pretend to understand, getting to see your family and (of course) the food. If your extended family is anything like mine, you’ve probably got a wide variety of characters. Here are nine people you’ll likely encounter on Thanksgiving, as told by the dish they bring to family dinner.
1. Turkey: provided by the “Turkey Master” (Role is Variable)
At my family’s more intimate Thanksgiving dinners, whoever is hosting is automatically Turkey Master—the one who spends 12 hours bent over the oven and walks around the house with a baster. This is a pivotal role because if the turkey ends up dry, you’ll probably never be allowed to host again and will become the pariah of your extended family.
2. Stuffing: soggy bread crumbs made by the "Turkey Master’s" Progeny
Turkey Master and his/her children also take on the big responsibility of the stuffing. Although Alton Brown recommends you don’t even try to stuff your turkey (which can result in poisoning your family with salmonella), some traditional-ass aunt will probably demand the dish of soggy breadcrumbs to spill out of the turkey like an unfortunate pile of organs. No, Aunt Maurine, it doesn’t look like a cornucopia. You decide you better host next year and cook that shit on the side.
3. Turkey carver: position held by Grandpa
Grandpa sits in his Lazy Boy until it’s his time to shine. Right before the main event begins, he is called to action. He takes one last swig of his bottomless glass of red wine, eases himself up from the football game and grabs the electric knife. Exempt from all other responsibilities, the turkey carver is privileged yet wise with years of experience.
4. Green bean casserole: brought to you by “that one crazy aunt”
Everyone forgot Aunt Rachel was coming because inviting her to family holidays is just sort of a formality. She doesn’t understand technology, so she didn’t get the Facebook invite your dad sent her. She brings another green bean casserole (now the third for the table) and sits and just kind of looks around at everyone, picking the hair of one of her seven cats off the front of her sweater. Nice to see you, too.
5. Sweet potato casserole: contributed graciously by your immediate family
Since Aunt Maurine effed up the stuffing, your picky ass now has to load up on the single dish your family brought—the sweet potato casserole—complete with marshmallows, Frosted Flakes and more simple sugars than sweet potatoes. You’re first in line and jump directly to the sweet potatoes to ensure that you get at least 25% of the pan onto your plate.
6. Rolls: purchased by your cheap cousin
Your cheap cousin, Roy, brings the crescent rolls along with his three formidable children who resemble the Pillsbury Dough Boy more than they do children. By the time they get to the family gathering, half of the plate is gone because it was in the back with little Petey, who has a soft spot for crescent rolls. Fortunately, Grandma bought an extra pack just in case.
7. Pies for days: hand-made with love by Grandma
Grandma’s done it again with her pastiche of portly pies. Apple, pumpkin, pecan, blueberry, strawberry rhubarb are all baked to perfection and oozing with gooey goodness. You give her an extra big hug in hopes that she one day hands down her pie recipe to you. Ravioli, ravioli, give me the formuoli.
8. Mashed Potatoes & Natty Light: bowl of glue prepared by Hungry Jack himself
Your older brother, Jack, thinks that he deserves to fulfill his namesake and bring the Hungry Jack mashed potatoes each year. He mixes water in with the packet of Hungry Jack mashed potato flakes and sits in the living room, pre-gaming Thanksgiving dinner with the 24-pack of Natty Light he brought "to share." Grandma, who’s had one too many glasses of white wine, finally tells him the truth about the bowl of glue that is his mashed potatoes: “Your potatoes are gross and no one’s hungry, Jack. Please just bring rolls next year.” Ouch, Grandma.
9. The…salad (?) and cranberry sauce: imposed upon everyone by your vegan, health-nut sister
Didn’t know salad was a Thanksgiving classic. But your sister, who decided to go vegan, shows up with green vegetables and a can of cranberry sauce. She reminds everyone that she’s vegan at least 23 times and sits like a rabbit munching on her lettuce leaves as we all load up on carbs and meat. Your loss, vegan.
Whether you’re hosting or “just bringing the rolls,” Thanksgiving is a time to enjoy food, family and Grandma’s pie. So, help yourself to a fourth serving of sweet potato casserole and kick back and relax as Grandma picks her next victim to roast. Don’t you love the holidays?
