Every Wednesday, I faithfully wait for Matt Bellassai to bless my timeline with his latest episode of “Whine About It”. If you haven’t heard of “Whine About It” prepare to have your life changed for the better. Each week Matt drinks a bottle of wine then complains about whatever is on his mind.
He is the Beyonce of complaining. He is flawless and doesn’t hold back. With each new video, Bellassai connects with my icy black heart like I never imagined possible. Here is a list I have compiled of the times when he has really reached into my soul and said exactly what I was thinking.
1. Pants suck, I am just going to put it out there. One of the reasons pants are so terrible is that after I am forced to leave my warm, loving bed I have to squeeze into the leg version of Chinese finger traps. I have only met one pair of pants that I actually like and those are leggings. If I would blissfully live out my days letting my pasty legs prance around, I SO WOULD.
2. I am the first person to admit my utter hatred for the flavor pumpkin. *pause for shock and awe* It is gross and has somehow managed to work its gross, orange, toxic flavor into candles, coffee, beer, candy, and pretty much everything else. Pumpkin should just do us all a favor and sit the next fall season out.
3. Well, this one just speaks for itself. As Queen Clarisse Renaldi once said, “The Queen is never late, everybody is simply early.”
4. I have never once looked at a mannequin and thought yep, that’s what I look like. I love my body, and wouldn’t change it for the world. I was lucky enough to have grown up with an exuberant amount of confidence, and Matt just seems to nail that spirit too.
5. There are few children in this world that I actually like. I like the kids I am related to (because I have to) and the kids I work with. Mostly I like these kids because their parents have raised them correctly with MANORS, but if your child is the type that runs around putting his/her gross little fingers on everything just know I hate you and your offspring.
6. This thought crosses my mind every single time I have to attend an event. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
7. Just know that if I answer my phone like this when you call I actually like you. My sisters and friends alike will tell you I have a bold mouth and always speak my mind. Often my most brash comments are said around my best friends because yolo. (I will never let yolo die)
8. Never have truer words ever been spoken. All hail Matt Bellassai.
