I’m currently sitting at an airport gate waiting for my flight. My hair has been molded into an innovative but controversial modern art exhibit, one of my eyes is twitching, and every few seconds, my head keeps popping up like a dog who smells sausage from the next state over. This is because airports are stressful. That’s common knowledge. But as I sit here in the midst of hoards of people clamoring and children screaming and body odor reigning, I’m becoming more and more convinced that airports are actually just a clever disguised Hell. Here’s why.
1. Sinners everywhere
Everywhere you look in the airport, evil is being done. You see people cutting lines, yelling at children, stepping on toes, and flying to Miami. You could easily lose all faith in humanity’s goodness and altruism by spending a few minutes in an airport.
2. Deceptive Wi-Fi
Lucifer is a master of deception, and the Wi-Fi is just one of his many baits. You will see signs plastered everywhere that say, “GET CONNECTED!! :) Free Wi-Fi!” and you will think “WOW! Free Wi-Fi!” only to find that the connection is about as strong as your deteriorating sanity.
3. Many are sad, many are happy
At any point in the airport, you will see two types of people. The first type is the forlorn flyer who looks like they’re thinking of all the sad letters they will send their friends and family, and the other is so ecstatic to be there that they just can’t stop tweeting about it. If that doesn’t describe the constituency of the crowd in front of the entrance of hell, then I’m not sure what could.
4. The odor
You might be in the security line when the man in front of you takes off his shoe to reveal a pungency that is so overwhelmingly offensive that the TSA agents start to look at each other worriedly. This is not the smell of a man who walks a lot. This is the smell of a rotten soul being released from a shoe and into the eternal abyss.
5. $4 water bottles
Airports usually require a lot of walking, and you might get thirsty. At this point, you will go to the convenience store to buy a water bottle, only to find that you have to sacrifice the soul of your first born child for 25 oz. of goddamned Arrowhead. If you look closely when you purchase it, giant bat-like wings will emerge from the cashier as horns spurt out of his head and flames erupt behind him.
6. Sitting
Eternal sitting is your punishment. Remember when you told your cat she was stupid? Remember when Jill asked you for a pen in math and you said you didn’t have one but then you checked your backpack five minutes later and found one but didn’t tell her because you thought it would be awkward since she already asked you and you said no and you thought she was cute? Remember when you were eating orange chicken at your friend’s house and one of the pieces of chicken fell to the ground and instead of picking it up you just pretended that you never noticed and figured that the dog would get it but you forgot YOUR FRIEND’S DOG DIED LAST YEAR? That’s why your flight’s delayed.
7. The inevitable feeling of dread that lingers everywhere
It’s there when you’re checking your bag in and they say it’s too heavy and require the soul of your second born child to ship it. It’s there when you go through passport check and you have a microcosmic nuclear explosion in your head because you forgot it was in your left pocket, not your right. It’s there when you go through security and a big frowning man tells you that your seven ounce bottle of Listerine is a threat to the health and safety of the United States of America. It’s there when you find your gate is a 15 minute walk away. And it’s there when you realize the baby who has been screaming in sheer agony, expressing the very sentiment you have been feeling since the moment you walked into the airport, is on your flight. This amount of dread is supernatural.
8. The water polo team from Oakland
You finally sit down at your gate in a relatively comfortable chair, you’re reading a book about apples or something, and you think, “Hey, you know, maybe this isn’t actually a painful, literal incarnation of hell.” Then the water polo team from Oakland sits down next to you, won’t shut up about ecstasy and chlorine, and give you a chilling reminder that you’re in the heart of it, kid.
