From the Grand Canyon to absolutely nothing interesting, Arizona has become more than a flyover state. It’s also a desolate wasteland of knock-off Mexican restaurants, an infinite amount of trampoline parks, and an overabundance of cacti. I’m almost positive that God created Arizona as a warning for those on the road to Hell because it is just that hot in these coming months.
However, if you’re feeling down about The Valley, just remember, we have these few treasures to keep us cool in the unforgiving 120-degree oven in which we reside.
Welcome to Arizona:
1. Filibertos on Apache Trail and Signal Butte
Open 24/7 this is the kindest Filibertos in The Valley that I have ever been to. I’ve cried in this drive-thru, I’ve almost thrown up in this bathroom, and I’ve spilled salsa all over myself in front of one of the employees. And guess what? They are still the absolute nicest people, and they have the best food. Carne Asada Fries? Yes. The kids meal quesadilla combo? Yeah. Duh. $4.00 and it comes with a churro. And yeah, again, opened 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
2. Pete’s Fish and Chips
No, this place isn’t open 24/7. In fact, they are closed on Sundays --which is fine until you only want it on Sunday. Nevertheless, it’s an all outdoor affair, which also kind of is whack considering you might die of a heatstroke, but it’s all worth it in the end when you’re basking in fried fish heaven. Not a fish fan? They have hamburgers too. Don’t even worry about the ketchup either, they have their own special Pete’s sauce. Not a secret sauce kind of individual? The boring fast food chain restaurants down the road have ketchup packets for the not-so-adventurous types.
3. Dutch Brothers
Another all outdoors affair, but this one will provide you with dehydrating drinks to quench your thirst. These employees are the boldest, and (overly) nicest people that you will ever meet. They will find out your life story while your drink is being made, and then become your best friend (probably). I think this is why the lines are always so long. It’s okay though. Your wait in line is worth it because the drinks are the best. From coffee to tea to soda to energy drinks, there’s actually quite literally something for everyone. For me? The double rainbow rebel is the only way to go. Ever.
4. Mill Avenue
I don’t even know what to say about this one. You have to park at a meter if you aren’t a “Sun Devil,” or if you aren’t actually eating at the Chili’s or literally any of the restaurants. Anyways, there’s still always something to do, or somewhere to eat, or shop. Tempe is an abstraction of reality within itself. One time when I was at the Starbucks on Mill, a random woman asked me for my phone so that she could call her son out of school. I still don’t understand.
5. The Waterpark Scene
Arizona has two Holy Trinities: The three in-state universities, and the three big waterparks. Much like ASU, UofA, and NAU, we have Golfland SunSplash, Big Surf, and Wet 'n Wild. I’ve personally never been to Wet n' Wild, but I can tell you that there is a prison nearby. Golfland is a little old, but they keep cramming slides in the park, so if you get passed developing claustrophobia, then you’ll do just fine. Big Surf has like, I don’t know, four slides I feel like, but the wave pool is huge. It’s as if you’re going to the beach, but you’re not at the beach, because we are in Arizona, and we don’t have a beach.
6. The Jumping Cholla
I think that the jumping cholla is my favorite Arizona thing. If you are already terrified of nature, then prepare to be even more terrified because nature is definitely stronger than you. I have helped tweezed, and comb, yes comb, one of these out of someone’s leg before. It’s thrilling.
7. The 202
