Well, it's that time of the year again. 'Tis season of pool parties, bikini-line insecurities, and Snapchat stories of tan legs that could easily be mistaken for hotdogs. Summer always has a lot to offer, my personal favorite being the semi-chaotic emotional roller coaster of what is the annual family vacation. This year my family and I embarked on a cruise fueled purely on drunk parents and towel animals.
While eating what must have been my 28th ice cream cone I began to realize, that like most places, there were different types/groups of people on the cruise. Roughly seven to be exact.
1. The drunken high school graduates
If you fall into this category, you are probably still intoxicated and rightfully so. This cruise is what you have been looking forward to all year. It's anticipation was probably the only thing that pushed you through those last few senioritis-filled weeks. It is the last huge celebration before the death of college comes upon you like the plague, so why not live it up? Enjoy the drunken, hazy days and overrated tequila shots because before you know it the worst hangover of what is adulting will began and no amount of Tylenol will numb it.
2. The all-day pool-siders
This group includes those who are blessed with the gift of sunburn immunity. All day long they stay faithful to the poolside with no worries and no fried skin. Honestly, I am extremely envious of this group. Anytime I attempt to reside with my fellow pool-sider friends I usually look like the Pillsbury doughboy and their the freshly baked golden cookies. So to all the pool-siders, I distance myself from you, but only because I want to be you.
3. The people who actually workout on vacation
I tried to be like you. I woke up before noon, dragged my hungover self to a treadmill, and proceeded to hate myself. If you fall into this group, kudos to you and good luck with your good health. Not all heroes wear camps.
4. The dedicated karaoke-goers
Whether you sound like a cat falling off the empire state building or you have the pipes of Whitney Houston, karaoke is your thing. There is always one drunk southerner that belts out "Friends In Low Places." There is the over-enthusiastic teenage girl that thinks she knows all the words to "Rapper's Delight," aka me. There is the actually talented singer that puts even Mrs. Underwood to shame singing "Before He Cheats." Regardless of your actual singing abilities you go up there and perform as if Simon himself were listening. Even if you end up being terrible, everyone is drunk and cheers anyway, trust me.
5. The gamblers
First off, how do you guys even manage to breathe? The ship's casino, like most, smells like a really sketchy waffle house but with less butter and more depression. I am pretty sure every time anyone walks through the casino you instantly smell like a chainsmoker and lose three years of your life. Secondly, how does the cruise manage to advertise gambling as "relaxing"? I can't even play online checkers against my blind dog without having a nervous breakdown.
6. The cute older couples
Honestly, who does love adorable elderly couples? If you say you do not think the couple from up is the cute, you're a liar. They were not corrupted with weird hook-up apps or frightening Shrek memes. These cute couples represent all that is good in the world and deserve to be protected at all costs.
7. The best dressed
Most nights on the cruise everyone dresses at least semi-fancy for dinner in compensation for any weird tan lines and bright burns. Every night there is always a group of people that looks fresh off the runway. Though it is not usually the same people every night, their overly perfect outfits make me question my entire socks-and-crocs technique. The worst is when the best-dressed group is also a part of the pool-siders group, thus granting them the perfect combination of tan and stylish. Then you have me, Casper the ghost rocking her latest Puritan witch dress, or sweatpants depending how fancy I feel.
