My beloved younger sister is in denial about freshman year and the lifestyle that awaits her. While I was eager to offer up my words of wisdom for surviving a night on the town as a newb, she declined my words of advice with quite the dramatic eye roll. So here it is; the facts of life. Not saying I'm proud of how I discovered these lifestyle tips and the stories behind them, but hell, they work for me so maybe they can help you too. If I've missed anything please feel free to clue me in.
1. Spanx are your new BFF
I've had an ongoing relationship with Spanx since freshman year, and they haven't disappointed me yet. Not only do they act as a barrier for wandering hands trying to get in your pants on the dance floor, but come on; you can drink beer with #noragrets. We all have those bodycon dresses that show off a beer belly a little too well. Let's face it, all there is to drink at said gatherings is cheap beer from a keg or — if you're lucky — a mystery fruit flavored concoction that's 90 percent Burnetts, being dished out from a cooler that came from God knows where. So, do your Insta game a favor and throw on a pair, and did I mention they're a great alternative to a purse?? The benefits are endless!
2. White is a no go
Accept it now, at least one drink will get spilled on you tonight. Whether it's from a frat boy whose had one too many, a poor klutz that's about to eat sh*t but their drink makes it to you before the floor, or even yourself. I know for me it's often the later (whoops). Do yourself a favor and keep that cute white romper tucked safely away in your dorm dresser. You'll be happy you did (especially without your mom's laundry skills to bring it back to life). When it doubt, wear black out.
3. Get a case on that thing
I know I've been putting off blowing money on a quality case but the time has come ladies. I can't count the number of phones that have met their demise once I went off to college. And the worst part is, half the time it wasn't even my fault. To give you some primary source examples, there was the time my roommate knocked it in the toilet; I'll never forget the sweet sound of Beyoncé's voice playing on my phone only to fade into the abyss that was our toilet. A little dramatic but come on it was my first iPhone #RIP. And a couple phones later, my date spilled his drink on it and I didn't even notice until it was too late. Not even a bag of rice could help. All I'm saying is, you can't trust anyone. So buy one now, or you'll be paying for it later.
9/10 times there's never toilet paper in whatever ratchet *ss bathroom is available at a frat house/bar. If you're one of those ladies who can brave it and go without it, more praise to ya. I, on the other hand, will never again subject myself to such a situation. Stuff some in your purse and go about your night. You'll be thankful later and so will your friends.
5. If you don't need it, leave it
The more you bring out with you, the more likely you are to lose it or someone will "kindly" take it off your hands without asking. I can't tell you the number of times I've had to replace my Burt's Bees because it fell out of my purse, but at least that was easily replaceable without breaking the bank. Be strategic about what you bring out just the necessities. Recently I made the mistake of taking out my whole wallet with me. I was the sober dd that night but somehow my wallet was swiped off me. I'm still annoyed at the whole thing and replacing basically my life has been a struggle. So next time you wanna bring out your favorite M.A.C. lipstick, ask yourself if it's really worth it.
6. Get a guardrail
This warning is for those of you that happen to be in a lofted bed. When you make it back to your dorm sweet dorm at 2 a.m. about to pass out, the last thing on your mind is where the edge of your bed is. It's common for college kids to fall out of their beds, but did you know you could die from said fall? This is some scary, serious sh*t and I would know. I was that freshman who fell out of her bed, and it certainly showed. Luckily I survived with just a shattered elbow, cracked cheekbone, a few stitches, and a giant blow to my ego. No joke, people asked if I got hit by a bus. If only I had asked my RA for that extra guardrail.
7. Uber saves lives
If you're one of those people whose been too lazy to download Uber, or you're that moocher who never wants to pay to split a ride, get your *ss up and do it. Don't you get one of those vouchers for a free ride anyway when you do? Whether you want to believe it or not, you'll inevitably end up in an unwanted situation. Unless you plan on walking home with heels in hand or crashing on the couch of some frat house — now there's a night I'd rather not relive — get the freaking app and pay the $10 for a safe ride home. End of story.