In high school, you were probably fantastic at just one thing. Maybe you ran the fastest mile in whatever state you came from, but couldn’t paint a very good mural on the back of a tortoise’s shell. Or maybe you consistently got the highest test scores in your advanced math class, but couldn’t approach awkward situations with your half-brother with poise and self-respect. And it was ok. In college, however, you are required to be a little less than mediocre at everything, and fall short by the same amount in all of your efforts. Unfortunately, your parents, whether stingy or not, probably want you to excel at as much as possible. If you came to college intending to disappoint them, first, congratulations, and second, here are a few things to show them.

1. Your grades.
This one seems a bit intuitive. You reached like Michael Jordan stretching for the winning dunk in Space Jam for an A on that Anthro paper, but you fell flat like deflated balloon. Now you need to open a window wherever you go just to ease the stench of your GPA. Your parents won’t be happy with that at all.

2. Your bank account.

College is already so expensive, so extra spending money is a luxury that shouldn’t be abused. So just wait until mom and dad see the $3.08 you have left to your name, unaware that most of it had gone toward a music festival. And by “music festival,” I mean, “Two music festivals, three raves, new speakers, a pregnancy test, a celebratory wine at the failure of the pregnancy test, 64 chipotle dinners, and local single in your area dying to meet you.”

3. Your friends.
Your friends are always there for you. They’ve got your back and are always down to have a good time, or just talk things out. They’re the best. Except when your parents come to visit. Then you shove them under the rug like the shameful wretches they are until they leave. Unless you want your parents to see the degenerates you surround yourself with daily. Then by all means, let them rendez-vous.

4. Your independence. 

I will admit, most parents exhibit a lot of strength when it comes to letting their beloved child out of the nest and into the world, and most would never be disappointed to see their son or daughter standing on their own against the torrent of modern life. But it’s not the fact you’re independent that’s disappointing, it’s the way you’re doing it. You went to bed silently weeping at 4 a.m. watching a dubstep remix of the Spongebob theme song while spooning an uncooked bowl of Easy Mac.

5. Your choices.
I bet the last thing your parents told you before you left went something along the lines of “make good choices.” Now you’re just hoping that the snapchat of you sleeping on the lounge floor with a red solo cup taped to your ass and a penis drawn on your forehead, next to a pile of half-eaten dinosaur crackers and a former child TV star who hit rock bottom in ‘09 never reaches the part of the internet your parents are aware of.

6. Your breakfast.
How many times have you heard that breakfast was the most important meal of the day? Hopefully enough. But if mom and dad could look at a schedule of your breakfasts over the past year, a gross phenomenon ranging from “nothing” to “leftover pizza” to “pillowcase,” they would wonder how they had gone so wrong to not instill in their child a healthy love for eggs and Cheerios.

7. Your tweets. 
Every parent wants their child to be an intelligent, witty, and well-respected contributor to the world. So if they could only see your tweets, even they would be embarrassed for you. Two favorites? My dog gets more favorites when he poops in the living room. Maybe you should stop trying to make jokes about Nickelback. It’s getting old.