Another school year is here, so I sat down to reflect on my previous years of education. Rather than remembering the good ol' days, I ended up drafting a list of my least favorite things that happen every single year.
1. Picking a Spot to Sit
In my three years of undergrad, finding the perfect spot to sit in has never happened to me. My perfect spot has three criteria:
- Close enough that I can read the board
- Near enough that I can develop a rapport with the professor
- Preferably next to or between cute women
A and B can be knocked out in the same seat, but C doesn’t always come along. Not only that, but the window to move seats to accomplish C is only one week. If you move seats after the first week of classes, you’re taking someone else’s already-established seat and may you rot in hell.
If C does not work out, an excellent substitute is sitting next to friends, should you have any in that class.
2. Paying For Books I’ll Never Read Again
We’ve all been there. List in hand, perusing the bookstore along with hundreds of other kids, looking for books that we’ll use for that ethics credit. And of course when literature is sold back to the bookstore, they devalue it so much that it’s almost worth more money to just recycle the damn thing.
Admittedly, I have kept a few books around just to make my shelf look better. Fine reading such as the "Tao Te Ching," "Civil Disobedience," and, "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days."
3. Walking to Class
I love walking just as much as the next person, but I cannot stand when I am walking on the correct side of the path (on the right), and another person begins approaching me, walking on the same side. We do the little dance where we both move the same direction in an attempt to get out of each other’s way, then we finally figure out a solution and give a passing, awkward “Sorry.” I enjoy being around people, but I loathe nearly running face-first into one.
4. Having to Introduce Myself in Each Class
I have it down to a patented speech:
“Hi, my name is Jacob. I’m a comedian who also works at a preschool. I love food and hate that I love food. I drink too much water and have the bladder of a pregnant woman. Sometimes I’m so obsessed with being creative that I suffer socially. I love my mom”
…It usually goes something like that.
5. Reading Syllabi
This is another monotonous task that has never differed since the first syllabus was printed in goddamn 1776. And of course, each teacher spends the entire first class running us through the same crap we’ve heard a thousand times already. I understand that not every class can be Dead Poets Society, but for once I want a cool professor that tries their best to rap the code of conduct. Hopefully, they spectacularly fail, because there are few things funnier than a professor floundering in front of a room of hundreds.
6. Learning How to Duck and Cover
The threat of impending nuclear annihilation has never been greater than in the year of our lord 2016 and the University of Montana is siphoning money from the liberal arts into purchasing educational tools about ducking and covering. Honestly, it’s a great tactic for herding dummies, but you can bet your ass when we get bombed, a U of M Grizzlies desk is not going to save your life.
