A little bit about myself: I am 23 and still in college. I know, you’re like, “What is this old hag still doing here?” I took a semester off last spring for mental health reasons and didn’t have enough credits to graduate. Also, apparently taking only the minimum 12 credit hours each semester won’t let you graduate within four years. Are you as surprised as I was? Anyway, I have been so reluctant to do any studying for finals that I realized I didn’t have to. Why bother? Life is already an endless cycle of worrying, eating, shitting, and sleeping. Why make it more difficult by graduating and entering the eternal suckage that is The Real World, with a Real Job and worst of all, STUDENT DEBT?? Stay in school, do all the drugs, and accumulate and defer all your debt. Don’t study. Do these things instead.

1. Watch all of "Grey’s Anatomy," from the beginning.

This used to be a great show before they axed literally everyone who was interesting. George? Dead. Lexie and Mark? Dead, deader. Izzie? Mysteriously disappears. Why you do this to me, Shonda Rhimes? Don’t get me wrong, I love Meredith, but without the ‘will-they-won’t-they’ aspect of MerDer, she’s just…eh. She’s just a star in a constellation now. But I think the show is worth watching to avoid work. I’m only on Season 10, so don’t spoil anything like I just did for you.

2. Start baking.

It can be anything. I prefer cupcakes. I plan to make a buttercream lavender frosting to go onto vanilla cupcakes. And you and my professors can’t stop me. Can’t get those D’s and F’s if you don’t try.

3. Teach yourself a foreign language.

I’m kidding, but… kind of not. It takes years to fully understand the nuances of any language, which is perfect because you never want to graduate. I took 5 years of French and died a slow death through it all, but ASL or Chinese would be pretty cool.

4. Learn how to play the Funeral March on an instrument.

Don’t you just think it would sound pretty on the piano? I just Youtubed it. It’s giving me goosebumps. Play it on the violin instead—your hopes of having a career should have a nice soundtrack as they wither and die.

5. Become a drag queen/king.

I think this should just become the goal. I mean, have you seen those makeup tutorials on the internet? Drag makeup is hard. It takes work. The costumes take hundreds of dollars. But it pays off, cuz you look hot as hell afterward. And for you women out there, drag it the fuck out. Cut your hair, wear those wingtip shoes, put on that fake mustache. I’m confident that, with all the work you’ll put into drag, you won’t have time for studying. Pass me the contour, please.

6. Give out advice on the internet.

Instead of doing my prompt for my writing workshop, I’m writing this article.