Let's get this out of the way right now: Donald Trump, like most people in this country, is innocent until proven guilty. However, here are some things about Donald Trump you might not know. Donald Trump, along with Jeffrey Epstein were accused of sexually assaulting a thirteen year old girl. Their accuser says she waited to say something until now because Trump told her if she told her family would be physically harmed if not killed. Jeffrey Epstein is a level three registered sex offender. For those of you who grew up on video games and say, "level three? What a nub. Git gud. KYS," in the case of sex offenders level three is actually the highest you can be. In an interview with New York Magazine, Donald Trump calls Epstein a "[t]errific guy" before continuing, "[h]e's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side." Of course you could argue that being friends with a pedophile doesn't make you one yourself, and he might not have known that about Epstein at the time, but some people would consider it suspicious. Do you know who one of those people are? Donald Trump who, during a CPAC gathering, mentions Bill Clinton has "a lot of problems coming up" due to his association with Jeffrey Epstein. Notably travelling to Epstein's "sex island," a place Mr. Trump has visited himself.

Now that's all the stuff we don't want to talk about, and instead be distracted from! So, let's delve into some kooky fun antics and other controversies surrounding America's favorite prankster, Donald J. Trump.

1. Remember when he was on Jimmy Fallon??

Whether you love Jimmy Fallon or have good taste in late night hosts you probably heard about the controversy where he was nice to Donald Trump. Jimmy Fallon, nice to someone? Stop the f*cking presses. This is definitely a bigger outrage than that other thing right? I mean look at that, Jimmy is just petting him like he's a dog. "Who's creating a greater divide between the American people? You are! You are!" This has to be one of the biggest scandals EVER. (To step out of character for a second, I'm pretty positive Donald Trump could have talked about something really awful, like how he's been accused of raping a thirteen year old, and Jimmy would've said "Wow, that's super cool!")

2. Trump might want to f*ck his daughter LAWL!!!1111

I'm sure you've heard about this little rumor about a million times, that's because it's one of the best ones out there! See Donald Trump talks about how hot he thinks his daughter is all the time. Of course, it can't just be because he's a giant misogynist who thinks that saying a woman is good looking is the greatest compliment you can give her. No, it's because he wants to plow that skank. Man isn't it hilarious to talk about the weird sex stuff Donald Trump might be into? Except for that accusation of him raping a thirteen year old with a pedophile he called a terrific guy. YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT THAT! Thems the rules. Now don't you remember...

3. That time the Donald was accused of raping a thirteen year old girl?

Oh shit, my bad guys. I was on autopilot, just Googling "Trump controversies" then copying them into the article. Didn't mean to let this slip through the cracks. Let's get back to distracting ourselves with the silly ones again! Side note, you're telling me the guy on the right is a pedophile? I don't see it...

4. Donald Trump has tiny hands hahaha!

Holy actual shit, look how tiny those f*ckers are. You know how they say if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer? Well Donald Trump ain't gettin' cancer any time soon! Man, say what you will about Trevor Noah's ability to host the Daily Show, but he never misses an amazing Donald Trump has tiny hands joke. I mean how hilarious is it that Donald Trump's hands are small? They look like the hands of a thirteen year old girl. Hey speaking of Donald Trump and thirteen year old girls-- I mean oh no, never mind! Hey look over there its...

5. That time he said dumb stuff about Brexit in Scotland

You remember Brexit right? It was the biggest thing in the world that everyone cared about for a few days? You learned about it when your friend shared the Last Week Tonight clip on Facebook? Yeah, of course you remember that, it was huge! Bigger than Brexit itself was Donald Trump talking about Brexit while he was in Scotland. He said that it was a "great idea" and we all thought he was super dumb for not knowing more about something we had just learned about two days before this happened. Do you ever wonder what Donald Trump's friends think about him at times like this? Like, what do you think level three registered sex offender, confirmed pedophile, and "terrific guy" Jeffrey Epstein is thinking to himself at a moment like this? Oh shit sorry what I mean to say was remember...

6. That time he beat and raped his wife?

Ooh, shit. This one isn't very fun either is it. F*ck it, I'm done trying to make this guy look like a lovable goof, I'll leave that to the Jimmy Fallon's of the world. That's why he makes the big bucks and I don't get paid to write this. Well see a while back Donald's then wife Ivana accused him of pulling chunks of hair from her head before raping her. Donald's lawyer has since defended him saying "You're talking about the frontrunner for the GOP, presidential candidate, as well as a private individual who has never raped anybody. And, of course, understand that by the very definition, you can't rape your spouse." Now, there's nothing in there that proves Donald Trump is guilty, but it is somewhat suspicious that his lawyer felt the need to specify the definition of rape not extending to one's spouse. It seems as though, if Donald hadn't done what Ivana said he did, that part wouldn't be necessary. Also, it isn't true. You very much can rape your spouse. Now Ivana has since issued a statement about the event saying that when she said "rape" she did not mean it in a "criminal way." However, she did not directly contradict any of her original story. You know this kind of reminds me of something, Donald Trump was accused of raping a thirteen year old girl! See obviously this incident doesn't prove that the other one happened, but it does help establish what kind of man Donald Trump is. So the next time Donald Trump talks about immigrants and asks "who is doing the raping?" remember that the answer might just be him.