1:45 AM - Hey
1:45 AM - Did you go out tonight
1:45 AM - Did you know I love you
1:46 AM - Say it back
1:46 AM - hahahahahaha
1:47 AM - You're so annoying
1:47 AM - and rude
1:47 AM - I want you to die but do you want to come over
The drunk text is really an incredible gift that is gifted and re-gifted among college students. I would say the best part of the process, however, is when you wake up, sober and socially aware, reach for your phone to check the Cosmo snapchat story and amongst a “Hi honey how is school going, are you hitting the library today!” text from your mother you see a “What lol” or perhaps a “what is wrong with you” text. The way you should approach this situation is to move the phone at least 3 feet from your face before you click and find a truly life altering transcript of your drunken thoughts. Pure bliss I would say.
Let’s recap the 5 types of drunk texts you will hopefully either send or receive this weekend.
The "I love you" text
The “I love you text” is a seriously hard bullet to dodge, ignore, or downplay. You literally said I love you. At this point in the night, you might as well pull the “my friend took my phone” or the “haha nevermind” if you don’t mean it. If you do mean it and you just potentially made life so awkward for yourself, change your number and move to the Himalayas or something. But hey, if you’re in love and you were just waiting for the perfect Saturday evening at 2 AM to spread that love, power to you.
The “I literally don’t know you but I love you" text
This is the text to someone you literally do not know. You have no cross over, common interests, classes or mutual friends. You just have an overwhelming crush on them. Simple as that. This one is arguably the most traumatic for participants because you are essentially revealing yourself as a sociopath before you even learn their last name.
The Over Sharing text
“I went on a trip to Barcelona with my family when I was 7 did you know that!” “I seriously am not that girl, you don’t even want to know how my night has been going so far” (followed by every tiny detail of how the night is going so far.) This text can be harmless if its simple, quick, cute comments that are slightly overkill. However, add a little drama into the mix and you literally might as well show this potential weekend target home made videos of your golden retriever when he was a fluffy puppy or you and uncle Brian blowing out your candles at your 5th birthday party. Keep the personal information to a minimum, this person does not care and will probably not make all that much of an effort to relate.
The verbally assaulting text
At some point during the day, this person must have pissed you off. This is fine. You just decided to handle it at a rough and incoherent time, smooth move. “Remember that one time you didn’t say hi to me walking up the stairs but you looked in my direction” “I don’t care if you saw me or not it seriously traumatized me for the rest of my EXISTENCE.” Dramatic? Not at all. Whether or not this person really hurt your feelings or you just need to let off some steam, the person needs to know how you feel because they just do, agreed? Get all those feelings out, toss some aggressive language in and send.
The "I haven’t spoken to you in months but “Hello let’s chat”" text
PSA: This one may catch the person completely off guard. Maybe they are someone you met at freshman orientation or a boy who you regularly see at the gym. Why the sudden interest they may ask? Did you miss me? To which you respond, absolutely not why would you say that? I am a REALLY good person and am checking in on you, how is your town ACL recovery going? Oh, how did I know you tore your ACL? Lucky guess? Sorry, we can’t all be saints.
