Have you ever looked at someone and felt as if they weren’t even there? As if you were looking at a lifeless body with no soul? This is how I feel looking at an addict whose addiction has ultimately taken everything from them, causing them to lose themselves to their drug of choice. I feel empathy towards families just beginning the journey of a loved one’s drug addiction. It is a long and difficult journey that brings a load of heartache. Here are 5 difficult things I have learned over the past year, all of which I have tried so desperately to push under the table. Now that I have come to accept these things it is much easier to take the next step.
1. I CANNOT FIX THIS.
You cannot help someone who isn’t willing to help themselves. This is the hardest concept for me to accept. It is in my nature to try and fix every little thing because I want my family, my friends and every single person I care about to be truly happy. The truth is you can’t make decisions in life for anyone but yourself. Addiction will never end until the addict decides to end it.
2. AN ADDICT WILL LOSE FRIENDS AND EVEN FAMILY – AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
You can only push people so far before enough is just enough. Friends and family begin to not want to be surrounded by such an unstable, unpredictable individual and that is OK. The truth is an addict will do wrong to so many people for the simple fact addiction has taken over their life and is ultimately what controls them. I truly believe at times they can’t even see what kind of hurt they are causing because the addiction (the drug of choice) is their top priority. People decide they don’t want the trouble of an addict in their life. We all have a choice, and there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself from people as well as things that are not uplifting.
3. PARENTS ARE ENABLERS.
As a mother, I can say firsthand I would do anything in the world for my child. I would give my life for my child. Same goes for the parents of addicts, they would do anything to take away the pain, take away the addiction and pave the road to make life easier. There comes a point when this is no longer beneficial and parents are bending over backwards, creating and bringing in anxiety and stress that only makes the pain of loving an addict so much more intense. At some point they made a decision that set them down the wrong path. The only thing family, spouses and friends can offer is positive support. Recovery is possible but only the ADDICT can choose to better themselves, better their life and make wiser decisions.
4. ADDICTS ARE LIARS.
That is difficult for me to even type. Unfortunately, it is the truth. An addict will say anything or do anything to hide their addiction, to mask the problem and pretend as if it does not exist. You know the people that just say whatever you want to hear just to try and keep you content and happy? Addicts are REALLY REALLY good at this. You cannot rely on faith that they are not using simply because they told you so. Their only hope for survival is to try and find some kind of approval and give you hope. Most liars have a motive or a “reason” for lying, I believe that in an addict’s mind lying and seeing you think everything is okay gives them a peace of mind. Even a simple smile or a nod of approval gives them reason to hang on because they believe the problem is being masked.
5. LIFE CHANGES.
For the longest time I couldn’t accept the rapid changes going on in my life, especially because I was losing things and facing consequences of choices I wasn’t even making. One day was great and the next day would feel like life was crumbling down around me. I have never struggled with addiction myself so I cannot clearly comprehend what goes on in an addict’s mind. I can only rationalize and try and come to terms with the reasoning behind their actions. I have finally come to accept the fact that life will not be the same. When you love an addict, you will do anything in the world to try and find the person they once were. I can choose to be sad and depressed or I can choose to be happy and continue making positive choices knowing that holding myself accountable for the actions of others will only lead to more pain.
“Don’t hate the addict, hate the disease. Don’t hate the person, hate the behavior.”
