The other day, I was sitting at my kitchen table with my family and grandparents, congratulating them on 57 whole years. We talked about all the good memories, all the bad memories, all of the fun times, vacations were taken, tragedies endured and time spent together with loved ones over the years. The meaning of love has more or less evolved over the years, especially with the millennial generation. Long gone are the days of asking parents permission to take their daughter out on a date, opening car doors and paying for your girlfriend’s meal. With all of the political correctness and equality movements happening in 2017, the concept of chivalry is being further and further subdued. Love now is weekly love proclamations over social media, Instagramming the entire date you had with your boyfriend and constant texting. People my age will swear up and down that all of this constitutes love. However, we are also the generation that buys a new iPhone every time a new one comes out because we see the promise of "something better." We have the entire world at our fingertips right through our phones and computers, and because of this, we have become so accustomed to instant gratification. We are the generation that always needs the next best thing and we have heard countless time that "we can never be satisfied." While yes, I do succumb to some of these ideologies — I do consider myself an old soul as well. Taking all of this into account, I wanted to hear what my grandparents had to say about love and relationships, how to make them last and see just how different their perspective really is from mine.
1. Pick a good partner
This was the first piece of advice from my Nana. She said right off the bat, the first thing you need to do is to pick a good guy. Someone that is kind to you opens doors for you, respects you, but her last point is what really got me. She said, “you know, the most important thing is that he always thinks of me.” I really do think this is the most important part of this piece of advice because as teenagers and 20 something’s — we’re so focused on developing ourselves and trying to develop into whatever we want to be, it’s hard to always put someone before yourself, consistently and willingly.
2. Be flexible, and be patient
When she brought this point up, my grandfather wholeheartedly agreed, as did my parents. This concept is the one that young people struggle with the most. In order to make a relationship work, you have to understand that not everything is going to work out exactly as you plan it too. You must be willing to be flexible. Sometimes, you just have to bite the bullet, take one for the team and do something you may not want to in order to make your significant other happy. Patience is another big key to a healthy and lasting relationship. Patience is a hard virtue to master, especially because it’s difficult to remain level-headed in the midst of a taxing situation towards a person you love but are disagreeing with. Be patient, be kind and be flexible.
3. Give and take, but don’t keep score
This one goes along with being flexible. To give and take means you’re not always going to get your way and accepting it. Not keeping score goes hand in hand with that concept as well. If all you do in your relationship is keep track of how many times you’ve done something for your significant other, in hopes that they have to “owe you one," that’s not healthy. Keeping score also comes into play with past arguments or disagreements. You should never keep track of how many times you were right to hold over your significant others head for a later argument. In my Nana’s words, “you have to have the love so that you are able to give and take.”
4. Let things go
My grandfather said this one and said this is the one thing he finds most important. No matter what it is, no matter the situation, the fight, anything, just let it go. He told me you should never go to bed angry because you should always try to work things out before you go to sleep. Holding a grudge is nothing but harboring toxic emotions, and it’s hard to have a healthy and loving relationship if you hold grudges against the person you’re supposed to have unconditional love for. Especially the little things, at the end of the day, just let it go.
5. Have your own space
This wasn’t exactly something that would normally come to mind when thinking about relationship advice. But my grandfather’s explanation made perfect sense. “In the morning, when I go outside on the porch to read the paper and drink my coffee, she doesn’t need to come with me. It's okay that she stays inside to watch the news because she has her time and I have mine.” My Nana agreed. “I can just be me, I don’t need a guy telling me what I should be because I have my own individuality, my own likes, my own friends. We don’t need to share everything.”
Love is one of the most confusing but beautiful things we as humans can experience. I’m thankful for my grandparents for being such a good model of what it truly means to have unconditional love for somebody. They have shown me that a strong relationship consists of compromise, honesty, trust and effort. They have taught me that the little things matter. They have taught me that if something is broken, you fix it — you don’t get a new one. To me, the idea of loving the same person for three times the amount of time I’ve been alive is mind blowing. With all of my past relationships, it’s hard to picture myself in their shoes; knowing someone better than the back of your hand, enduring 57 years of heartache and happiness, and starting a family that doubles in size over the years. My grandparents truly are the best example of a wonderful and whole marriage should be, and I will forever be grateful for that. So Nana and Grampy, thank you. Thank you for teaching me that true love is worth the effort, that I should always know my worth and most importantly. I hope that whatever love I attain in my life reflects the value that you have taught me a relationship should have.
