Let's face it: over time, whether we look at time in terms of centuries to months, music is constantly changing and evolving; what started as chanting and beating on cave walls has evolved into a worldwide industry that is considered not a luxury; but rather, a necessity. Music is something that defines the human race and allows us to bond with both ourselves and others through lyrics, dances, and instrumentation.
However, let's also face it: classical music and opera should not be listened to. Under any circumstance. After all, who listens to classical and opera, anyway? How could someone listen to and enjoy music that is often times over three-hundred years old? Today, we're going to take a look at why you should not, under any fathomable circumstance or reason, listen to classical music and opera.
1: It's boring
When you think of music that gets you pumped up and ready to face the world, the last thing that comes to mind is classical. After all, classical music is slow and bland, and lacks any sort of intensity. Just listen to how boring Richard Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries is! If you fancy yourself the strong type, feel free to check out Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, which features real live cannon fire for extra boredom.
Pictured: Pure, condensed boredom
2: It's not raunchy
Sometimes, we need a little bit of controversy to spice up our lives. Classical music is not the place to find it. Especially not in Bizet's Carmen, which is about sexual affairs, revenge, and bullfighting (how much more boring can you get?). And how about that Mozart fellow? Anyone who has seen the movie Amadeus knows that he was a bland, uninteresting figure of history, and that his music is no different than he. Mozart was certainly not the life of the party, specifically demonstrated in his song Leck mich im Arsch (run that one through Google Translate for the most boring, conservative title imaginable!).
Pictured: Opera, the music of grandmas
3: It's not lively
Anyone who's ever listened to a classical or opera piece knows that it is the type of music that simply drones on and on and on and on with nothing to hold your attention. Take La Donna e Mobile from Verdi's Rigoletto for example, or Vivaldi's Spring. If there are any songs out there that can bring you down more than these two, I truly don't want to hear them.
IT'S THE SEASON OF SADNESS I TELL YOU
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4: It's not intense
Now that we've seen how unlively classical music can be, let's take a look at the other thing it fails to achieve: intensity. Classical music, like in the previous example, fails to make us happy, but it also fails to make us emotional. Two examples of the unemotional nature of classical music are Mozart's Requiem and Carl Orff's O Fortuna, two of the blandest and least intense pieces of music you can encounter. Requiem tackles the issue of death, while O Fortuna tackles the issue of fate. Leslie Gore's Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows has more emotional investment than these.
Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together...
5: It's not Innovative
Classical music is not only one of the blandest genres; it's also one of the safest. Composers always seemed to stick to the norm and refused to deviate from public expectations. Camille Saint-Saëns's The Carnival of the Animals is a prime example of this. Chaotically discordant notes and the use of musical instruments to simulate animal noises is certainly one step below watching beige paint dry on your Trigonometry teacher's classroom wall on the "interesting scale". The Banshee, a piece only performable by using a "prepared piano", a piano that has been specifically altered to play the piece, is even more boring than one of those Danish butter cookies you always seem to find in your grandma's cabinet. Classical music simply doesn't have room for experimentation and innovation, and you're especially not going to find it in either one of these selections.
Nothing more boring than sticking nails in a piano.
Hopefully now you can understand why classical music should be avoided at all costs. If all music genres existed on a color spectrum, classical would be a sickly beige. If it were a candy, it would be a cough drop. If it were a piece of literature, it would be a physics textbook. If it were a music genre, it would be... Well, you get the point. I would especially suggest that you stay away from classical playlists on Spotify and Pandora, so that you are not subjected to a wide variety of classical music, which will surely be an unpleasant and unenlightening experience for any avid music fan.
