(A side note: No I do not believe Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer. This article is pure satire. I hope you enjoyreading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.)
To fill those in on what they don’t know: the Zodiac Killer was the infamous serial killer who definitely killed seven people (4 men, 3 women) between 1960 and 1970. They wrote cryptic letters to the police, where the name “Zodiac” originated. The Zodiac Killer was never caught, and now the internet is claiming that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer. It’s become a sensation, one that nobody really knows how to handle. So here are five reasons why I think Ted Cruz could possibly be the Zodiac Killer:
1. He’s never denied being the Zodiac Killer
Has he? Has Ted Cruz ever publicly stated that he was not the Zodiac Killer? No. He has not. I feel like at least once in on our lives, we have denied being the Zodiac Killer, and a person who is that important in the country right now should probably come out and deny it also. Now, to be fair, he’s never said that he was the Zodiac Killer, but for the sake of this article we’re going to ignore that. As someone who might be the future President of our country (ewh) I am worried that he has never denied being the killer. (I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m also worried about countless other things he says but.)
2. He looks like the Zodiac Killer
He does! Don’t tell me that he doesn’t, because he does. I’m not a professional, but I think that this sketch of the Zodiac Killer looks almost identical to Ted Cruz. This also goes along with point five (see below). People get mistaken for each other all the time, I understand that. But there comes a point when it stops being a coincidence… I’m not saying that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer, but I’m just saying that Ted Cruz might be the Zodiac Killer.
3. He can’t seem to keep his story straight
Like what about that time he was making a decision on the Supreme Court, saying that the justice system in America was skewed? And now he’s saying that it’s trustworthy. What about that? Sounds like something that the Zodiac Killer would say. I mean, if I were the Zodiac Killer (which I’m not), I’d be pretty trusting of the justice system if they never caught me. Now that Ted Cruz has the potential power of controlling our judicial branch, just imagine how many other serial killers will be set free. (Nah. I’m kidding. Kind of. He might truly be the Zodiac Killer and while typing this article I’m becoming increasingly more worried.)
4. He can’t account for his whereabouts between December 1968 and October 1969
Okay. I can even account for my whereabouts between December 1968 and October 1969. Granted, I hadn’t even been born yet, but either way. I know where I was when the murders were going down. For the sake of this article, again, we’re just going to disregard the facts. Because, how often are facts actually true? Not very. So yes, I know that technically Ted Cruz was born in 1970, but have we ever seen his birth certificate? No. So, thus, Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer. (I feel like now I need to provide my birth certificate. I feel like all of this finger pointing is making it seem like I’m trying to put the blame on somebody else… I need to take a break before I pull a Fight Club and my Tyler Durden becomes the Zodiac Killer.)
5. I’ve never seen the Zodiac Killer and Ted Cruz in the same room.
I’ve also never seen my mom and Reba McEntire in the same room. Point proven. And like a sassy redhead, he can be a bit irrational. So if Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer and my mom is secretly Reba McEntire, then do I have a secret life? (That’s in next week’s article, kids.) Back to Ted Cruz being the Zodiac Killer — since we have never seen them in the same room together, I can only conclude that they’re the same person. Makes perfect sense to me. I also feel the need to point out that America was pretty clueless on the whole Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus thing. So, can we really trust ourselves? (The answer is no.)
In conclusion, Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer, my mom is Reba McEntire, and I am second guessing my own identity. Though the evidence is damning, I’m going to let you believe what you want about Ted Cruz. As long as what you believe is that he would make a terrible President and he might have killed people in the 60’s.
Vote Bernie Sanders, ya’ll.
