Hey, do you guys know about sex? What about memes? If you’re reading this, you’re probably one of those damn Millennials, which means the ONLY things you know about are sex and memes. In that case, read a damn book instead of another stupid clickbait article. (But finish this one first.)

But if you don’t know about Netflix & chill, then strap yourself in for some learning, but not too much, because this isn’t really that complicated. Netflix & chill is essentially what you suggest to whatever kind of boo you may have when you have ulterior motives to hanging out with them. Like, you know. Those kind of motives.

A rough translation would be:

“You wanna come over for Netflix & chill?”

“You wanna come over and rub our bodies together while something we aren’t looking at plays uselessly into the void above our writhing bodies? I was raised with constant stimulation so I’m extremely uncomfortable doing anything in silence, so even while we are exploring the beautiful gardens of each other’s bodies, I need to hear disembodied voices from the television or I will freak.”

Which is all well and good, except—what qualifies a movie as suitable for Netflix & chill? As much as you want to prove to your boo that you’re a connoisseur of film, it can’t be something you actually want to see, because you won’t really be… seeing it.

The key to a good Netflix & chill movie is something that has a strong opening that you can both pretend to pay rapt attention to, and then a break in the action where you or your partner can make some kind of move to signal that yes, this is the “chill” part. A really good Netflix & chill movie will have quite a few scenes of sexual content interspersed within that can heighten the mood without either of you having to pay any real attention to the nuances of the plot.

A prime Netflix & chill experience will have a great ending—mutual satisfaction from you and your partner paired with a movie with an engaging or mildly interesting ending that you can both watch while you slowly stop panting and sweating, even though neither of you know what happened in the rest of the movie. Frankly, who cares. You just got laid/almost laid/whatever it is you do. Nice.

Anyway, here’s a list of good movies for Netflix & chill.

1) National Treasure

This is literally the most beautiful movie that has ever graced this scorched and sinful earth. I’m not fucking kidding. It is perfect in every way—the beginning will pull you in, the rising action will get your heart pumping, and you can bask in the afterglow of the “chill” part of your Netflix & chill night and see Nicolas Cage find the treasure. It brings tears to my eyes every time. It’s got action, heart, educational history, comic relief, action scenes, and Angelina Jolie’s dad. The only danger of this is that you might become TOO engrossed in the wonderful world of National Treasure to pull away and engage in any human contact.

2) Cyberbully

Remember that kid from The Sixth Sense? He has a sister who hung out with Miley Cyrus a long time ago, and she was in this movie. That’s the most interesting part of the whole thing. It’s genuinely terrible. The contrived plot only loosely based around how actual teens actually interact in real life and on the Internet. This one is good for Netflix & chill because it’s scientifically proven that laughter leads to sexy time, especially when the alternative is just watching this godawful movie.

3) From Dusk Till Dawn

BRUUUH—sexy vampires, dirt, early Quentin Tarantino, and the sexiest thing Salma Hayek has ever done all in one. You’ll want to hold off on initiation making a move on your beloved until after Salma’s table scene, and then you’ll want to move pretty quickly because the rest of it is pretty much nonstop gore and cool one liners. Unless you’re the type of people who dig that stuff, in which case, Hell Yeah.

4) Scream

The best part of engaging in sexual activity to Scream is that Skeet Ulrich is fine as hell. The second best part is that Rose McGowan is fine as hell. The third best part is that this movie explicitly lays down the rules of horror films and then breaks them. Watch Drew Barrymore flail about in the cold open and then let the hip and cool late 90s soundtrack wash over you while you… you know.

5) Teeth

I’m just kidding. Please do not ever try to watch this movie and get down at the same time. It’s in bad taste. If you’ve never heard of this one...

Teeth. There are teeth in her vagina and they bite down on phalluses she doesn’t like. It rules.

Happy sexing!