Everyone has had their fair share of hook-ups and intimacy with those people who have had that distinct je ne sais quoi about them. For years, men and women have tried to accurately describe their past flames to their friends, recounting those hilarious, yet bizarre, stories about how they ended up finding love at a Ke$ha concert or how they flirted with the man/woman of their dreams at a Shiva. Alas, I believe we've found the perfect way to describe everyone you've dated, one-night-standed, or just kissed.
1. The Banana
Ah, the banana. So oddly shaped, and just naturally awkward in general, the banana, is that one person that really didn't match your track record. They are a die-hard LOTR fan -- for all you NERDS out there, LOTR stands for "Lord of The Rings." Get educated. -- have Jimi Hendrix and Led Zepplin as their most played on their iTunes, and have low-key won 4 regional bowling championships. The banana is probably the best thing to ever happen to you because they are super creative, bring back childhood fun, and won't corrupt you at all. Basically, you would want your parents to meet the banana.
2. The Coconut
If coconuts were to rule the earth, we would have a world war every other week. The coconut has been through quite a lot. They normally get what they want in a situation, and are awfully stubborn. The coconut has a rough, coarse surface, that doesn't allow for many to get to know the real coconut. Bummer, because who wouldn't want to get to know a stubborn person who always gets their way, right?
But don't let the coconut's first impression fool you, it's all a facade. (GASP!) That's right. On the inside, the coconut is a soft and delicate person who has placed a barrier to protect itself from the dating game. Every coconut has an Achilles heel and tends to cut the "tough-guy" act to show their reality. For some coconuts, their weakness could be pizza since that was the preferred post-breakup food they stuffed their face with after the captain of the soccer team dumped them. For others, it could be pugs because, well, just because they are hell hounds disguised in sheep's clothing. (Pugs are vicious things really, don't let them crawl their way into your heart.) All in all, the coconut, when showing their true self, is great to be around.
3. The Cherry
Now this one's a handful. The cherry is that person who just wont stop being cheery and happy. It's extremely difficult to hate and break it off with the cherry. The cherry will smile and lift the spirit in the room with its ever-lasting happiness. When you first meet a cherry, you think it'll just be a one-time thing, something to hold you over until you can find another fruit. BUT BOOM. Next thing you know, you're taking the cherry out to the cliché: dinner, a movie, and Red Mango date. For 3 consecutive weekends.
What happened to "Oh, this will only be a one time thing"? It's simple. A cherry won't stop "OH MY GOD"-ing or LOL-ing at anything you say. Even if its the most boring and uninteresting topic at hand, they will find something to love about it. They are more of the "glass half full" kind of people. A cherry is the most frightening of all the fruits because you wonder when the red flag will come up but it just never does. Breaking it off was so hard because they were just everything you could ask for. And even after you broke it off, they continued to smile! I still don't know what the secret to the cherry is. Some say they are aliens. Others say they're on a never-ending sugar high.
4. The Fig
The fig is definitely the old soul. Once upon a time, you were the bad-ass in your friend group. You would always take that extra shot at the bar, say that one thing you really shouldn't have said to that bouncer, but you didn't care one bit about what anyone thought about you. But then the fig came into your life. The word fig, itself, just sounds wrinkly and smells like candles. Seriously, say it out loud. Tell me you don't picture an old guy with a Hawaiian shirt tucked into his khaki shorts wearing white new balance nurse shoes. T
he fig turned you for the best. They introduced you to the classics like "Huckleberry Finn" and "The Catcher in The Rye." They made you forget about Steve Aoki and any other "DJ" who can plug an iPod into loud speakers, by introducing you to based God, Frank Sinatra. Breaking it off with the Fig was tough because it was like saying goodbye to that elderly person who made you constantly "aw" and laugh.
5. The Passion Fruit
Oh me, oh my. The passion fruit was by far the closest thing to "50 Shades of Gray" that you have ever had. The passion fruit is that foreign demi-god/goddess from Italy or Monaco you met during camp counseling or while you were at an island vacation, who turned your mediocre life into an Audrey Tautou, French Riviera, love film. From the second you laid your eyes on the passion fruit, your body went into default mode, attempting to fathom how God could have sculpted someone like them, and then gone on to half-ass it and make someone like you.
Nevertheless, the foreign-ness, that exotic factor, of the passion fruit isn't the only thing that has you going crazy. Their unique scent, the way they carry themselves, and the way in which they manage to take down a language barrier with the wink of an eye immediately turns that unicorn that you've had since childhood into a subway rat.
Hopefully this pleasant stroll down memory lane has helped you better understand the people you've been with over the past years. If you haven't already met these 5 fruits then consider this a guide that will help you know what to expect.
Lastly, next time you're at Trader Joe's or wherever you food shop, go to the produce section and just take a gander at the plethora of nature's gifts. Try to figure out which fruit is which ex-lover. Trust me, it's worth it.
