If you are someone who has experienced the traumatic pain and grief of the other side of suicide, I am sorry but you will resonate with these emotions. Losing someone to suicide is an obstacle itself, but battling all of the emotions it brings can cause even more chaos. My objective of this article is to show you that you're not alone, and all of your emotions that you are struggling with daily are valid.

In October of 2015, I lost one of my best friends, Nathan Paul Gustin, to suicide at the age of 17. Still, to this day it is one of the worst experiences I have ever had to go through. I understand not every account of suicide is the same, but my hope is to show that many others have the same emotions when going through a tragedy like this.

1. Shock

October 11th started like any other normal day for me. I would wake up, go to church, and go home to watch football and eat lots of food. The Packers were playing the Rams that day. They won, 24-10. I even remember taking a selfie that morning, it was a good day, a surprisingly enjoyable Sunday, until around 8pm. At 8pm, my phone went off. You don't realize the small moves you make to read a text message until you read a text message you can never forget.

I remember hearing the ringtone for a text message. I wasn't facing my phone at the time, I was getting ready to fall asleep. I rolled over and unlocked my phone. The text read "Have you heard about Nate?" I was instantly confused. I thought maybe he was in a car accident, or that he had gotten injured. I never thought something this horrible could have happened, especially to someone as happy as him. I got onto social media to see if other people knew what was going on, my timeline was full with tweets saying "RIP man" and "I'll always love you". I called one of my best friends who knew him in panic, asking what had happened. She was crying on the other end of the line, and when she finally came up with words she painfully told me what had happened. I don't know what struck me to look at his social media page, but his last tweet was "I'm sorry." I don't know how many times I refreshed my Twitter and Instagram feed during the next few days; I guess I was searching for a sign that it wasn't true or that it was a prank.

I fell to the floor, I cried, I couldn't find the strength to stand up. I felt my body draining of energy, clogging in my throat from crying so much, the lightheadedness and numbness engulfing my body every moment. I didn't want to believe that it happened. Have you ever been able to picture words flashing in your head? Nate, dead, RIP, angel, too young, sorry, heaven, love. So many memories flashed through my mind, so many laughs we shared, the conversation we had just days before. I didn't want to confront what had happened, how it had happened, or even why it had happened. This was the shock I wasn't prepared for.

This is the hardest to put into words, the feeling of just knowing enough but not knowing at all. It was one thing to wrap the thought of losing a friend, especially at a young age; but trying to wrap my mind around the thought that he took his own life was much worse. Our society always enforces how suicide is a huge factor in our lives, how depression is claiming the lives of young ones everyday and that if they feel like they want help they can call this number but, you never think you will get personally affected by it- until you do.

The thought doesn't occur that one day you won't hear their laugh, you won't see their smile grow across their face or get Dairy Queen with them, but when it hits you, it hits you like a ton of bricks. Life is just harder to imagine without them, you carry around a brick 24/7 of thoughts weighing you own and with those thousands of thoughts, running through your mind its difficult to focus on just one. Hence the opening emotion, of shock.

2. Anger? Frustration?

This has always been a fragile subject to talk about when dealing with losing a loved one. Did they think about all of us? Did they think we would just forget after a while? Did they think we wouldn't care? Did they think people wouldn't miss them? There comes a point when we get tired of missing them, but don't want to lose the thought of them. We just want them here and we are angry at them for leaving us. We just want to wake up from the bad dream and watch the pain go away. Because we feel like the damage they did to us, did more than they could have ever known.

Anger is valid. It is a touchy subject, but it is valid. It is okay to feel anger when someone takes their life, leaving their friends and family to pick up the pieces. Its okay and easy to be angry at someone for making such a permanent decision alone. Of course people would be angry. And not only are you angry at them, you are angry at God for letting sin and depression seep into their live. You are angry that He let them go, that He didn't save them, that He didn't use his power to overcome the devil and allow them to see a better day. You are engulfed of the actions God simply DIDN'T do. It is okay to be angry. Anger brings the ability to forgive. Forgive them for not seeing past the darkness they were under, forgive them for not understanding. Forgive God for calling his son and daughter home, forgive yourself for being angry.

3. Guilt

"Did I miss the warning signs?"

"Could I have said something more?"

"Should have I kept contact more?"

"Is it my fault that they felt so alone?"

I didn't tell you I loved you the last time I was on the phone with you.

I can't remember the last time we hugged.

"How could I have been a better friend...?"

Battling with my guilt, from day one has been one of the most difficult and damaging of all these emotions. It is impossible to not feel like I could have, I should have done more. Why didn't I notice? What did I miss to not see this coming? I found myself going to our old voicemails, going over old conversations through text, memories, old pictures, Facebook and Twitter on repeat, anything that would give a clue on how he was feeling and what he was going through. You think about all the things you didn't do, that could have maybe, even the slightest bit, changed things to make him or her still be here. Guilt is painful, but its normal. All you can do is work through it. Understanding that nothing will change no matter what you do or think. It is okay not to be okay, but it isn't okay to stay that way. You have to keep moving forward and know it has already happened. That is what they would want for you. Cherish the memories made, and know that you were everything they needed you to be. Even if the guilt doesn't always disappear, know that if you could have made the circumstances different, you would.

4. Grief

I can talk about it in conversation, think about you everyday and even send a prayer or thought up your way to calm down after a long and stressful day. There are always times where I just fail to be strong. The ironic thing is, it is almost always random. Something hits a little too close to home, a song comes on the radio, someone says a certain thing and the tears just start to well up and fall. I ache, I miss you so much. I miss how we talk about our lives and how we envisioned them going so many places. I always tell myself you are no where near forgotten and forever in my heart. I go to visit you and cry, scream, pull out hair and even just lay down and cry beside you. No matter what emotions I feel with you, getting up to leave, saying goodbye all over again is always the most difficult. I feel like I am abandoning you, saying goodbye to you all over again.

The point is, the initial grieving process takes a long time. Honestly, I will probably grieve until I see him again. When someone you love passes away, it isn't supposed to be easy. The pain isn't suppose to just go away. People say it gets better, but I am a firm believer that it just gets easier to deal with. I am still sensitive when people say "I just want to kill myself" or put their hand in the the shape of a gun to their neck in casual conversation because of too much homework or someone is getting their nerves. My heart gets a little heavy every month on the 11th. I feel weird using your name in the past tense. The biggest thing I've learned is it is okay to just be sad. I have tried for so long to be strong, hold everything in, not cry in front of people on the days when it hurts the most. But I can't take it anymore, I find it refreshing to cry to someone and allow them to hold me in my pain on the days I can't take it anymore. I find comfort in admitting that I'm not okay. Grieving isn't suppose to be easy, it challenges us to our darkest depths. Embrace the sadness you're feeling and know that the pain will eventually become lighter, even if there are bad days along the way.

5. Acceptance

Will I ever be happy about the way things ended between us? No. But I will shout it from the rooftops that I was blessed to know the person you were, and to have an amazing guardian angel. I am blessed that I was able to find the love from other people in this time of hurt. I am blessed that a community was formed out of the darkest days in North East Indiana. It made me realize that everyone could be fighting an internal battle. I have become more accepting of those I come in contact with just once or everyday. No matter how positive I seem, the cons will always outweigh the pros but I have accepted that Nate's heart was needed elsewhere, and he is not only my guardian angel, but many others too.

I am in no way telling you how to handle losing someone to suicide with the concepts of this article, but the bitterness and negativity surrounding a horrid situation helped me personally grow as a person. Nothing about death is easy, all of these emotions will consume you on harder days. But with time, acceptance will always continue to move you along, even if you pursue it with a heavy heart.

Put your pain towards something you loved about them, that they were passionate about. Be an advocate for mental health awareness, or even do something daily that reminds you of them. I look at the stars and remember the sunsets. Do anything you can to bring comfort to yourself, and turn your pain into a positive.