I’m not personally much into cooking. I like the idea of myself cooking – but in actuality, I never really do it. But I do love eating a 69 cent cup of instant ramen and watching competitive cooking shows and yelling at the contestants to ease off the paprika. Though I will happily watch just about any of these shows (some of my other favorites include "Cupcake Wars" and "Cutthroat Kitchen") I’ve recently gotten into a big "Chopped" binge, so I think I have a pretty good handle on the viewing experience. Here’s a typical transcript of thoughts one has while watching the Food Network show:
1. The tag line for this says they have to cook with balls so 100% watching this one.
2. *recites intro package with Ted Allen*
3. Male contestant #1 works at a hipster restaurant - where else would you work with that kind of mustache?
4. Can you cook with that thing? Is that even sanitary?
5. Of course they introduce the men first. SEXISM. Are women the afterthought, Food Network? HUH?
6. Okay, rooting for male contestant #2 because he is hot.
7. And the episode’s token minority.
8. Oh no, and he has a sob story! Definitely rooting for him. That’s right, sweetheart, NOTHING CAN STOP YOU!
9. Female contestant #1 has a lame haircut. Hope she gets eliminated early.
10. Wait, am I the sexist?
11. Just because your kids like your cooking doesn’t mean you can win "Chopped", Midwestern mom!
12. Wow, female contestant #2 is black -- this episode has two minorities! Never seen them do that before.
13. This basket is way too easy – none of those products are bizarre or gross. And yet, they're all still stressed and confused.
14. We’re only on the first round and I feel like the contestants have all repeated their “angles” a million times already. I get it – you want that prize money for a food truck! Stop talking and keep cooking!
15. Love when the judges mention a potential pitfall and then it immediately cuts to a contestant who knows about the pitfall. Don’t mess up on the okra, hot sad man! I’m rooting for you!
16. Don’t forget to put those biscuits in the oven! SHE’S FORGETTING THE BISCUITS, WHY HASN’T SHE DONE ANYTHING WITH THE BISCUITS?!
17. Have you done anything yet, Tia?! You only have ten minutes left -- get something going, girl!
18. YIKES YIKES YIKES - I can't look.
19. OH MY GOD TIA GET ALL THE BASKET INGREDIENTS ON THE PLATE YOU HAVE 5 SECONDS LEFT
20. Why are these other contestants smirking at Tia's background story? Jerks. Rooting for Tia now.
21. Oh, the judges think he’s a jerk too! Bye, Felicia Jimmy!
22. Frankly, though, all these dishes look kinda gross to me.
23. *heavy breathing*
24. COMMERCIAL BREAK NO! Always cut right as Ted pulls the cover off the plate. And somehow I never see it coming.
25. NO IT WAS THE HOT GUY WITH THE SAD STORY!
26. *giggles* they have to cook with balls!
27. Are you kidding me, Tia – “dealing with it later” is always a bad plan!
28. If I had a nickel for every time a southern contestant said, “When in doubt, fry it” I would be so rich.
29. “I should have started a little earlier on these” – that’s what I told you, Tia!
30. Well that's...creative...
31. Anyone who can turn jelly beans into a savory dish is a magician. Clearly.
32. I love that they can't call anything by it's brand name. "Fruit ring cereal" is obviously fruit loops. Come on, now.
33. Tia your glaze is burning! Ah!
34. I can’t handle the last two minutes of a round. Nail biting doesn’t even cover it. GET YOUR FOOD ON THE PLATES PEOPLE!
35. Now that is some inelegant plating.
36. Wow everyone did terribly this round...
37. UGH COMMERCIAL BREAK GOT ME AGAIN!
38. What even IS that? Some kind of fruit? This is a more interesting basket, finally – something actually tricky.
39. Don’t overpower your rambutan with bourbon! You fool!
40. I’ve never had rambutan or bourbon.
41. I would be a terrible chef.
42. But a great judge.
43. LOL JK I would be a terrible judge. Because I don’t know anything about food and I’m super picky.
44. Maybe I’d be a great judge, because I’m so hard to impress.
45. Or am I easy to impress? I’d probably eat just about any pasta.
46. I wonder if Ted Allen would be a good judge...they never let him eat! :(
47. BRB distracted by how hot Scott Conant is...
48. And can we talk about what a tall glass of water Geoffrey Zakarian is? I mean I know he's kinda old but he is fine.
49. Love when you can tell a judge is rooting for a particular contestant.
50. I wonder how rigged this show is.
51. I wonder how much the judges take your backstory into consideration. Like if you say you need the prize money to go to college because you were raised by single, paraplegic mom in a poor neighborhood, do they favor you over the wealthy suburban mom who cooks for fun because she has so much free time and expendable income?
52. All these people who come on here saying they are looking for confirmation they are a good chef make me so nervous. Like your whole self esteem is on the line here? Bad idea! Danger, Will Robinson!
53. What time is it? Another episode, or sleep?
54. Next episode is kid chefs! MUST WATCH.
55. But first, I’m gonna go microwave another thing of ramen.
