Four years ago marks the day I met a boy. A boy who would soon change my life for the better and worse. A boy who would soon sweep me off my feet with the comfort of his voice. Four years ago I never thought I'd be writing this. 4 years ago I never thought I'd fall in love with him. Within those four years we'd have some great times, but also some really rough ones. About a year ago things really fell apart. I honestly wondered if in a year the pain would still be there.
I'd always imagine the hurt of him leaving me way back when. If I could describe it, it'd almost be like he ripped my entire soul out and took it with him. A little dramatic? Maybe, but as a 16-year-old girl in love, it didn't seem that way. I do remember the day he walked away. I remember the day he walked out of my door with a smile and the next day that smile was no longer there. I remember watching the passion fade from his eyes.
We weren't 16 and in love anymore, we were 18 and arguing. I'd wondered if everything would be fine. I wondered if he'd be fine without me, although he seemed to be fine right away. About a year ago I imagined us finding our way back together by now, taking some time apart and working through our troubles. Well we did, we found our way back together to only realize things would become more toxic than ever. A year ago I would of told you, us finding our way back together was never to be a waste of time, but it was. Don't get me wrong, I now know what I need in the future and I thank him for it all.
It's been a while since I looked at him and saw the twinkle in his eyes. I knew from the day he walked out that it would never be the same. I knew in my heart that no matter what I had done, he'd never love me the same. But I took the chance. I took the chance and hoped I was wrong. But I wasn't, I walked right back into the trap that would soon end in tears.
A year later and I've finally learned that my first love will be the greatest of all loves, but not a love I should be in again. I am grateful to have experienced such a roller-coaster ride filled with so much passion, but ended in a crash and burn. I know what it is like now to love with all of your heart, but it not be enough.
A year later and the thought of seeing you again terrifies me. Don't get me wrong, I saw him recently, a few weeks ago, if that. But I hadn't let go yet. And now I have. I'm not sure if I'd say hi, or run away, or completely fall apart. Growing up means forgive and forget. This was really hard to forgive, while still learning to forget.
I can still feel the pain from the first time we parted ways. I told myself I'd never let myself feel that pain again. But now I realize that pain has shaped me into who I am today. It shaped me and forced me to be fine on my own, all I can do is thank him for that. I wonder if you think I hate you, you probably do. Hating you is a waste of my energy.
It's been 4 years since I met that beautiful boy with the calm voice and big brown eyes. It's been 4 long years of love and heartbreak. 4 years of happiness and sadness. 4 of the worst, yet best years of my life that I wouldn't trade for anything. But it's only been a year since my heart was shattered. I never thought I'd say this. But I am finally okay.
Four years later and I feel nothing but grateful for what I was able to share with him.
