4 Weird Condiments Every UK and USA Citizen Needs on Their Dinner Table

4 Weird Condiments Every UK and USA Citizen Needs on Their Dinner Table

Mayonnaise and mustard are so last year.
47
views

Run into your garden right now and peer into your neighbour's kitchen. If you don't have a garden, then drill a hole into your wall and have a peek. Don't bother checking out what they're cooking, no one cares about food anymore.

Zoom your binoculars in on what's next to their plate, because if they're anybody who's anybody, then one of these 4 weird but wonderful condiments should be setting their house on fire! (idiomatically speaking).

4. Mad Dod 357

This mild hot sauce leaves brands like Tabasco and Cholula wishing they'd taken a trip to the flavour factory. It's the perfect mix of tastiness and spice; ideal for appeasing those guests that fear even the slightest touch of chilli.

If you look closely, you can see your neighbour slathering Mad Dog 357 all over his pizza and nipples. Yeah, nipples. It's that good.

3. Ovaltine Blended with Digestive Biscuits

Have you been wondering what that racket through the wall is around dinner time? No, it's not your neighbour pleasuring a lawnmower (that's done quietly before breakfast). It's the trendy noise of a hot, bed-time Ovaltine being united in a whirlwind of fury with a handful of crumbly digestive biscuits.

This happening new condiment goes perfectly with pork, rump steak, or if you're vegan, Weetabix (because let's face it, that's all vegans ever eat. Boring!).

2. Tomato Ketchup

You may not have heard of this one before. Only the most "in" supermarkets like Iceland, Poundland and The Co-Op are stocking this thick, godly juice right now.

The brand taking the front coach of this express train to flavourville is Muir Glen Organic. Their style of ketchup is putting brands like Heinz to shame. I feel like coughing up chunks even typing their sickeningly unfashionable name, let alone dipping my fishsticks in their tomato flavoured garbage!

One dollop of Muir Glen Organic's heavenly red sauce will inspire your chips, enlighten your hot-dog and violently rebirth your burger, no questions asked.

1. Corn Chowder

Money, Corn: they're connected. And they feed back to each other very simply (find out how in the video below).

Have you noticed your neighbour's new Mercedes Beanz humming smoothly into her driveway? Or maybe you've noticed that her boobs have grown into slightly larger, solid, statuesque lumps that remain completely still, no matter how strong the wind? No, that didn't happen to her chesticles because she's stressed out (I think).

It's because she's got a new job, one that pays well enough for plastic surgery and allows her to sit at home listening to Crass albums while she does it. Yeah, she's living the life.

While some people like her are smart enough to get their foot in the door of the fresh-faced, but sure-shot success, corn chowder industry, most are just eating it (and loving it), whether they're being paid to or not.

See, corn chowder is the condiment and the meal. What sick freak would want to sully it's delectable flavour with literally anything else other than more corn chowder? I struggle to imagine...

And now, a short message from our sponsor, Neil Daly:

"Alert! Calling all ambitious, unemployed food addicts! Do you want to get in on the ground floor of this corn chowder explosion? Watch our video and contact me, Neil Daly, to find out how you could become our next corn chowder eating machine! I'm willing to dance."

That about does it for this week's list of very useful things. Now that you've finished reading this article, you can prove to your neighbour (and the rest of the world) that they're not the only cool cats in town, by sharing it on Facebook, Twitter or Reddit. Knowledge withheld is knowledge that smells, don't you know.

Are your dinners grateful? Has the Heinz been left behind(z)? Let us know in the comments!

Cover Image Credit: ytimg

Popular Right Now

15 Things You've Heard As An Ice Cream Scooper

And the responses you wish you could have said...
94134
views

As many of you know, being a customer service employee can be exhausting. Sure, you may like working with people, but there's no doubt that you reach your limit here and there. Ice cream scoopers are a very specialized group of customer service employees who deal with people in their most vulnerable state: when they are craving sweets. If you've ever worked in an ice cream shop, here is a list of things you've definitely heard from customers, with responses of what you probably wish you could have said.

1. "I want cookie dough."

OK, seriously? "Cookie dough" is all you're giving me? Now I have to ask you a million questions about what size, what kind of cone, what type of toppings, etc. I know you may think I read minds, but I swear I don't.

2. "Just give me the regular cone. You know, the normal one."

Well, we offer three different kinds of cones. What's normal to me may not be normal to you. Chances are I'll scoop your ice cream into a sugar cone and then you'll look at me like I have ten heads because you expected a wafer cone *sigh*

3. "Can I try the vanilla?"

Are you kidding me?! I'm not sure if this is because you've never had vanilla before or if it's because you have a very critical opinion of vanilla ice cream, but either way... I suggest you take it down a notch. Your only excuse is if you're four years old.

4. "I promise, this is my last taste."

Is it, though?

5. "Oh wait, actually, THIS is my last one."

Yeah, that's what I thought.

6. "After all of these tastes, I won't have enough room to actually order a cone of ice cream!!!"

Extra points if you and your friends all laugh at the joke you just made.

7. "Is that one good?"

Honestly, does my opinion of ice cream really matter to you? Obviously, I'm going to say I like it, because I work here and it's ice cream, so yeah, it's good. What am I supposed to say? Should I tell you that I actually find that flavor repulsive and that it sort of tastes like soap? Probably not.

8. "Which flavor's your favorite?"

Let's be honest, there's a very high chance that our taste in ice cream is completely opposite altogether. So, when I say that the peanut butter chocolate is my favorite flavor, you'll probably smile and nod politely, and then order mint chocolate chip. Awkward.

9. "Just surprise me!"

No, no, no. Please do not put your ice cream order in my hands, that's way too much pressure. Also, I'm a terrible decision maker.

10. "Do you have chocolate ice cream?"

Nope! *Sarcasm*

11. "Which flavors are gluten-free, sugar-free, fat-free, and dairy-free???"

Why did you even enter this ice cream shop? Don't get me wrong, I'm sympathetic to allergies and sensitivities, but I have a feeling you're just being obnoxious.

12. "I bet your right arm gets pretty muscular, huh?"

Ha. Ha. Haven't heard that one before! Are you going to make the Popeye joke next?

13. "Could you just add some hot fudge on top of that for me?"

Listen carefully. If you ordered a kiddie size ice cream in a cup, and the ice cream fills the cup completely, where would there be room for the hot fudge? The answer is nowhere. I then have to transfer your ice cream into a larger cup that leaves room for the fudge, which easily could have been avoided if you had simply warned me of your fudge desires beforehand.

14. "It costs HOW MUCH?! I remember when a cone of ice cream was 50 cents!"

I don't make the prices. I, too, would love if an ice cream cone still cost 50 cents, but the unfortunate truth is that it does not, nor will it ever again.

15. "Oh, my gosh! I don't know how you work here and stay so thin! I would eat everything in the store!"

Oh don't worry, I DO eat everything in the store.

If you've ever said any of these things to an ice cream scooper, they probably made a joke about you to their coworker when you weren't looking. But it's okay, they immediately praised afterward as long as you tipped well. Ice cream scoopers are nice in nature, I swear. And they don't hold grudges!

Happy scooping!

Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

Related Content

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating
Facebook Comments