Run into your garden right now and peer into your neighbour's kitchen. If you don't have a garden, then drill a hole into your wall and have a peek. Don't bother checking out what they're cooking, no one cares about food anymore.
Zoom your binoculars in on what's next to their plate, because if they're anybody who's anybody, then one of these 4 weird but wonderful condiments should be setting their house on fire! (idiomatically speaking).
4. Mad Dod 357
This mild hot sauce leaves brands like Tabasco and Cholula wishing they'd taken a trip to the flavour factory. It's the perfect mix of tastiness and spice; ideal for appeasing those guests that fear even the slightest touch of chilli.
If you look closely, you can see your neighbour slathering Mad Dog 357 all over his pizza and nipples. Yeah, nipples. It's that good.
3. Ovaltine Blended with Digestive Biscuits
Have you been wondering what that racket through the wall is around dinner time? No, it's not your neighbour pleasuring a lawnmower (that's done quietly before breakfast). It's the trendy noise of a hot, bed-time Ovaltine being united in a whirlwind of fury with a handful of crumbly digestive biscuits.
This happening new condiment goes perfectly with pork, rump steak, or if you're vegan, Weetabix (because let's face it, that's all vegans ever eat. Boring!).
2. Tomato Ketchup
You may not have heard of this one before. Only the most "in" supermarkets like Iceland, Poundland and The Co-Op are stocking this thick, godly juice right now.
The brand taking the front coach of this express train to flavourville is Muir Glen Organic. Their style of ketchup is putting brands like Heinz to shame. I feel like coughing up chunks even typing their sickeningly unfashionable name, let alone dipping my fishsticks in their tomato flavoured garbage!
One dollop of Muir Glen Organic's heavenly red sauce will inspire your chips, enlighten your hot-dog and violently rebirth your burger, no questions asked.
1. Corn Chowder
Money, Corn: they're connected. And they feed back to each other very simply (find out how in the video below).
Have you noticed your neighbour's new Mercedes Beanz humming smoothly into her driveway? Or maybe you've noticed that her boobs have grown into slightly larger, solid, statuesque lumps that remain completely still, no matter how strong the wind? No, that didn't happen to her chesticles because she's stressed out (I think).
It's because she's got a new job, one that pays well enough for plastic surgery and allows her to sit at home listening to Crass albums while she does it. Yeah, she's living the life.
While some people like her are smart enough to get their foot in the door of the fresh-faced, but sure-shot success, corn chowder industry, most are just eating it (and loving it), whether they're being paid to or not.
See, corn chowder is the condiment and the meal. What sick freak would want to sully it's delectable flavour with literally anything else other than more corn chowder? I struggle to imagine...
And now, a short message from our sponsor, Neil Daly:
"Alert! Calling all ambitious, unemployed food addicts! Do you want to get in on the ground floor of this corn chowder explosion? Watch our video and contact me, Neil Daly, to find out how you could become our next corn chowder eating machine! I'm willing to dance."
That about does it for this week's list of very useful things. Now that you've finished reading this article, you can prove to your neighbour (and the rest of the world) that they're not the only cool cats in town, by sharing it on Facebook, Twitter or Reddit. Knowledge withheld is knowledge that smells, don't you know.
Are your dinners grateful? Has the Heinz been left behind(z)? Let us know in the comments!