Those of you that absolutely love to read...

- you know the struggle to continue reading. School, work, life keeps us from doing what we love: eating a story up hungrily and digesting it as fast as possible so that the feast can began again after a quick trip to the library or bookstore. We nostalgically think of those days as pre-teens when we'd sit on the porch of our house with Harry Potter, or The Hunger Games, or (it's okay to admit it) Twilight and just immersed ourselves in a world someone created for us. How rare those times are now, when papers, exams, and jobs fill the nooks and crannies of our mind. It's become so hard to make that trip to B & N, so hard to read another 500-something page novel. The seductive allure of Netflix, of dozens of YouTube cat videos, really doesn't help at all. You go about your day-to-day existence, noting that while life still has its colors, they're a little muted, and not nearly as magical as the universe your authors introduced you to, all those summer vacations ago.

One day, while you're munching and lunching with your friends, someone asks, "Hey, *name*, have you read ________?"

Uh-oh.

You haven't read it.

But you know it's a famous book. You've heard people online talk about how it's 'brilliant', 'eye-opening', a 'must-read for book enthusiasts.'.

A must read for book enthusiasts. A book enthusiast, a bookworm, an avid book reader - that's you. As you glance around at your friends, you know how they see you: the walking encyclopedia for all things literature-related. You wear that title with pride, and, you realize, that hard-earned reputation is coming into question. You can almost hear your friends muttering, "What? S/he hasn't read it yet? I thought s/he knew everything about good books... even I've read it!" Their mouths aren't moving, but you just know that's what they're thinking.

"Hey! You awake?" your friend nudges you. "You don't look so good."

You really don't.

You laugh nervously, say you're fine, you just didn't hear them. As they repeat the question, you collect yourself. You may not have read this book...

"I said, have you read ______?"

....but you know just enough to pretend you read it.

"Yeah, of course I have!" you lie, rolling your eyes. "Duh. It's a really fantastic work of literature." You reveal some mundane facts about the book, recite a couple famous lines you once saw on a social media platform of your choosing, and sigh in relief as you dodge the metaphorical bullet.

When you get home, you realize you need an emergency list. A list of books - they have to be famous, they have to be big. Most importantly, very few people should have read it. That way, with your reputation of a bookworm, combined with a little bit of thorough, in-depth, meaningful research, you'll be able to pull up any book in order to further your claim to fame as an expert on books.

But it's so much work to slog over book reviews and Wikipedia articles. You don't have time to read anymore - you don't even have time to pretend to read. Quelle dommage.

Don't worry, I've got you covered, with four books you can pretend to have read. While they differ wildly in period, genre, and style, they share a vital trait: they'll cover your ass if someone tries to 1-up you.

1. Infinite Jest

Author: David Foster Wallace

Published in: 1996

Length: 1079 pages

What it's about: Infinite Jest intertwines four different narratives. The first is about the brilliant, but dysfunctional Incandenza family, with a recovering drug addict, a star tennis player with fits, a suicidal filmmaker, and a disabed, yet cheerful auteur (among other members). The second is about an elite tennis academy, and the third about the addiction clinic right next to it. The fourth narrative is about a radicalized group of Quebecois french hell bent on attacking the U.S. with the use of a movie so entertaining a person watches it to death. (Typical.)

Key themes: Addiction, Inner Conflict, Consumerism, Entertainment

The Truth: You read the first 5 pages, were disgusted by the fact that there were footnotes in a fiction book, and promptly put it in your dorm bookcase so it would (you think) impress people you brought to your room. Occasionally you take the book back out of the bookcase, because you never bought a paperweight and this 5-pound book will have to do.

2. Ulysses

Author: James Joyce

Published in:1922

Length: 1305 pages

What it's about: June 16, 1804. Ulysses span a single day in the life of Leopold Bloom, whose day mirrors that of Ulysses (Odysseus) in Homer's Odyssey. Split into 18 episodes, Joyce dots Bloom's day with reference, satire, and allegory from centuries of famous literature, not the least of which is the famous Greek epic poem. Its puns, varied styles of writing (most famously, the stream-of-consciousness in the last episode), and allusive wit have made academics agree that it is one of the most formative and brilliant novels in the English language.

Key themes: The Hero's Quest, Compassion, Parallax

The Truth: Everyone told you that it was impossible to get through this book. You scoffed at them as you went to buy the book from the downtown corner bookshop that you "discovered". As you sat in a quiet, non-Starbucks coffee shop, you skipped to read the last page, because that's your thing, you know? Then you saw that it started in the middle of a sentence - that the entire page was in the middle of a sentence. You went back a page - still no sentence start. A couple more back - nope, still the same sentence. After a Google search (or Bing, if that's your thing), you see the final chapter of the book is eight sentences with no punctuation at all. Several months later, you pick up the book a second time. You've been invited to the birthday of a girl you just hate, and she always loves to read. Re-gifting is okay, right?

3. Don Quixote

Author: Miguel de Cervantes

Published in: 1605

Length: 794 pages

What it's about:Often considered to be the first novel in the Western world, Don Quixote follows the adventures of the titular character, Sir Alonso Quixano, and his grounded aide Sancho Panza as the semi-sane Don Quixote sets about on a quest to "restore chivalry" in the world. In which way that quest entails crazy acts, such as charging full force into a windmill, Sancho Panza doesn't know. But Don Quixote knows, and though he may be a little insane, he sure is determined.

Key themes: Unrealistic Idealism, Pseudo-Romanticism, Chivalry, Orthodoxy

The Truth: The only thing you know about this book is how to pronounce "Quixote". You also know the definition of the word "quixotic" since you use it to define your attempt to read this staggeringly complex novel.

4. Atlas Shrugged

Author: Ayn Rand

Published in: 1957

Length: 1168 pages

What it's about: A controversial novel from its original release up until this day, Atlas Shrugged centers around railroad corporation executive Dagny Taggart and her struggle to stay true to her ideals of rationalism, freedom, and self-worth amidst growing socialist sentiment in the government. Through political drama, courtroom battles, and furtive investigation, Dagny and her love interest Hank Rearden try to find the disappearing geniuses in the world to fight back against the government as more and more of the capitalist world they love is collectivized.

Key Themes: Objectivism, Anti-Communism, Individualism, Government Control

The Truth: It was a big book. You thought you could read it, even though no one else had. Sure, it's been described as "promoting utter selfishness", but if it can make a story about a railroad company interesting, there must be something good. You just weren't expecting all the soapbox monologues of how captialism was the best thing since the wheel. After all, isn't this fiction? You give up, and try to watch the three part film adaptation of the book, instantly regretting it. Well, two paperweights are better than one. And maybe you'll try to read Infinite Jest again..

Note: While you can pretend to read these books, you can also read them. Always an option, but..