1. Me: I'm hungry.Dad: Hi Hungry, nice to meet you.

2. Dad: I heard that actress Reese killed someone.Mom: Witherspoon??Dad: No, no. With a knife!

3. Dad: Ask me what the key to comedy is.Person: Ok. What's the key to-Dad: TIMING!

4. What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.

5. There are two types of people in this world.1. Those who can draw conclusions.2.

6. What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fshhhh...

7. How do you catch a unique rabbit? You-nique up on it.How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way.

8. Cashier: Would you like this milk in a bag, sir?Dad: No thanks, just leave it in the carton!

9. If you steal someone's coffee, is it a mugging?

10. Why couldn't the bike stand up? It was two tired.

11. What's the difference between a man in a tuxedo on a bicycle and a naked man on a unicycle? Attire.

12. When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!

13. I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me, my arms for always being by my side, and my fingers 'cause I can always count on them.

14. Not all math puns are terrible, just sum.

15. You can't run past a camp site, only ran. Because it's past tents.

16. Normally on Fridays I'd post a Chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon.

17. What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1

18. Today I saw my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word "iron" in it.

19. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

20. Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

21. No matter how much you push the envelope, it's still stationary.

22. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison.

23. Why did the crab never share? Because he's shellfish.

24. There are three types of people in this world. Those who are good at math and those who aren't.

25. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

26. Kid: Did you get a hair cut?Dad: No, I got them all cut.

27. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, so she hugged me.

28. You're American when you go into the bathroom and you're American when you come out. But when you're in there, European.

29. Barista: How do you take your coffee?Dad: Seriously, very seriously.

30. My girlfriend Ruth fell off the back of my motorcycle. I drove on. I'm ruthless.

31. I asked my wife if I was the only one she's ever loved. She said yes, the others have been 9's or 10's.

32. As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

33. I'll call you later.Dad: Don't call me Later. Call me Dad.