Thanksgiving is approaching, or as I like to call it, the Annual Turkey Massacre Where Your Aunts Get Too Drunk Off Cheap Red Wine From Costco and Whipped Cream is Served with a Side of Pumpkin Pie. This special time of year is where you can see your extended family for the first time in a hot minute, and make small talk based around three questions.
How have you been?
How's school been treating you?
What are your plans for the break?
If you can provide a solid template of answers for the Big Three, then you're golden.
However, as is the case with most situations in life, things aren't always that simple. There will be a few rogue questions in the mix which may throw you for a loop and force you to actually be spontaneous (the worst, am I right?). There will be questions such as, "What do you plan on doing with a bachelor's degree in tapestry weaving?"
Or, another personal favorite of mine, "Do you have a girlfriend yet?" To which the go-to response is, "Nah, I'm just playing the field," which is really code for, "I have absolutely zero intention of accidentally finding my future wife while in college and getting hitched during the prime of my life." A rule of thumb is no one likes you when you're 23, so that would include my wife if I became married by then, right?
But, fear not, for I've established a 32-point plan for any curveballs that might come your way during your friendly neighborhood get-together on Thursday. Respond to each question with a classic politician response; always answer a question that leaves you dumbfounded with another question. Allow me to load up your arsenal against awkwardness.
1.) Did you know Green Party candidate Jill Stein lost to Deez Nuts and Harambe in Texas during the election?
2.) On a scale from 1-10, how much are you going to miss Joe Biden memes?
3.) Marry, f***, kill: Barbara Walters, Queen Elizabeth II, Oprah. Go.
4.) Conversely, marry, f***, kill: Kevin from the Office, Joseph Stalin, Jonah Hill (hint: one's already been done for you).
5.) Does anyone really enjoy sauerkraut?
6.) Why do mosquitoes exist?
7.) Does there REALLY need to be a North Dakota AND South Dakota? Are Dakotan relations that bad?
8.) Has Half-Life 3 been confirmed yet?
9.) Bold prediction: Kanye West vs. Tim Tebow in the 2020 election. Thoughts?
10.) Anyone else think Tupac's still alive?
11.) Was the black Michael Jackson abducted by aliens and replaced with the white Michael Jackson?
12.) No, crazy, conspiring voice in my head. Why would you ever think that?
13.) Are new episodes of SpongeBob still being made?
14.) Has anyone caught a Mewtwo yet in Pokémon Go?
15.) Remember Kony 2012? I wonder how that dude's doing.
16.) Why the hell do I have to take three Spanish classes if I'm not even a Spanish major? (Bit of a personal one here)
17.) Over/under on J. Cole going TRIPLE platinum with no features?
18.) Over/under on the Golden State Warriors blowing a 3-1 lead again?
19.) Over/under on me asking another over/under question?
20.) Remember when D.A.R.E. made us pledge to never do drugs?
"Yeah, I 'member!"
21.) How's that going for everyone?
22.) Is the Verizon Man the biggest sellout of all time for switching to Sprint?
23.) Can we bring David Bowie back from the dead?
24.) You think it's too late for Glenn to make a comeback on The Walking Dead?
25.) Who are the real black Beatles: Rae Sremmurd or Migos?
26.) Why didn't the Seahawks run the ball on the one yard line?
27.) Superman vs. Goku: Who would win? (Definitely Goku)
28.) Why is tapioca pudding so unbearably disgusting?
29.) Why are canned laughs on sitcoms still a thing?
30.) Did you know mitochondria are the powerhouses of a cell?
31.) Do you agree that white New Balance sneakers should be renamed "Suburban Dad 11's?"
And finally, the most important question:
32.) Yo, where's the cranberry sauce for my turkey at?
But seriously, happy Thanksgiving from your favorite writer on the Internet. I have faith in your survival skills.
