So here’s the thing—yeah, I hung up my skates a few years ago and haven’t really made any trips to the rink since Nam, but I know one thing for sure: once you’re a skater, you are always a skater; at one point it was my religion. Sure, it’s a thing of the past, but how could I ever forget everything I put into that sport? Not to mention the fact that my future daughter—yes daughter, will undoubtedly get her first boots at age 3. Figure skaters just get each other, no matter what club you skated out of, we basically speak our own language. There’s an entirely new vocabulary which you were taught so thoroughly by the book, “A for Axel.” There’s probably about a thousand reasons you know you’re a figure skater, but for starters, here’s 25.
1. You’re basically a connoisseur of classical music seeing as how you’ve heard just about every composition throughout the years. And show tunes? Yeah...you’ve got those down, too.
2. When you catch even the slightest whiff of hairspray, you immediately have ice show flashbacks of walking into the locker room with your mouth and nose sufficiently covered.
3. Ice show was basically Christmas, and you're pretty sure you liked it more than your birthday.
4. You fully understand the phrase "you can never have enough glitter."
5. OR sequins.
6. Or make up.
7. A comfortable dress was an unknown concept; something always itched.
8. Even when you go open skate, you still feel compelled to take a warm up lap and stretch on the boards, and your friends are probably just like what the f**k
9. Speaking of open skate, you hate it more than anything. Why do these people skate so slowly? No I won’t do a “spinny thing” and I’m not here to play dancing-monkey, thank you very much.
10. You think dance moms are a thing? Just try dealing with skating moms. You all know the type, sitting in the bleachers watching every move with a pair of binoculars just so they can make their daughters' lives that much more stressful.
11. When people say their sport is costly, you just laugh because your parabolic blades could have bought a month of groceries.
12. Your coach was your worst enemy, your best friend and your therapist.
13. Waiting for results was one of the most agonizing pains, unless you knew you skated horribly, then it was time to pout in the locker room and get out of your dress before people tried taking your picture.
14. When you were younger, all you wanted was to be the “older girls” and then once you finally were, you never wanted it to end.
15. Ice show dress rehearsal was just a means to hang out with some of the greatest people you’ve ever met.
16. You know exactly what a Zuca Bag is, and you probably had about four different inserts.
17. Morning practice was a death sentence, and getting ready for school in the locker room was never really your cup of tea.
18. Quick change—another death sentence.
19. When sock buns became a thing (thank you Kim K), you were already ten years ahead of the game.
20. When you and your skating friends get together, even after years of not skating, it’s all you talk about and you probably watch your old ice shows…on repeat.
21. You still wonder why there were always so many different patterned soakers, but you weren’t complaining when your tie-dye ones were the talk of the rink.
22. The concession stand workers typically knew your name and what you wanted as soon as you walked up to the counter.
23. You probably have had viewing parties for Nationals where everyone would commentate on whose dress was the most appalling, and then all gasp when the crowd favorite would wipe out.
24. You were defined by the words “Riedell,” “Jackson,” and “Risport”.
25. You met some of the most amazing people, who you love and probably miss more than anything with the greatest memories to follow.
