21 Reasons Austin Should Get A Haircut

I have the honor of being friends with the world's only non-annoying freshman. His name is Austin.

While this kid has great qualities like the potential to be a stand-up comedian, his kindness (he is part-Canadian) and his weird knowledge about fish that doubles as charming, he has one major problem.

He won't get a haircut.

I have begged, pleaded and even offered to do it myself. But the guy won't crack. So as a last-ditch effort, here I am. (It's a slow news day.)

1. No-Shave-November is over.

This includes your head.

2. His mom would be overjoyed.

Apparently, she keeps asking too but he won't budge.

3. He would save money on shampoo.

We're college kids. Penny pinching is an art form.

4. He could stop wearing a hat at all times.

They have to be annoying.

5. Hat hair wouldn't be a problem.

If it was shorter it wouldn't look so damn crazy when he takes off his hat.

6. Bye bye, split ends.

I don't think this is a problem but I needed another point.

7. He would be more handsome/cuter.

These were his words. I think he is a fugly fart.

8. His dad would no longer be ashamed.

This is not a direct quote at all, but Oz told me his dad said he should get a haircut too.

9. People would stop mistaking him as homeless.

I wrote this as a joke but he just confirmed this actually happens.

10. Our friends could stop harassing him.

Turns out these are the ones calling him homeless.

11. He could break out of his denial.

Sometimes you don't know what is best for you until you're reflecting on your life.

12. Scalp massage.

Need I say more?

13. He would have a higher chance of getting a job.

No one wants to hire a slop.

14. He could make a better impression on profs.

Profs don't want to deal with un-groomed children. They want fresh adults.

15. He would impress Sandra Bullock.

"People care about people who care about themselves." — Sandra in "Miss Congeniality 2."

16. "I would look more dapper and in-it-to-win-it." — Austin.

Good news. I think Oz is starting to see my point.

17. He wouldn't look so grimy.

A word he just used to describe himself.

18. Holly sponsors the idea of Austin getting a haircut.

To put this into context, Holly is the most beautiful person in our friend group, if not the planet.

19. He would save the earth by using less water.

Shorter hair = less water used to clean it = earth saving.

20. 8/11 people in our group chat agree with me.

The outlier is Austin and two idiots.

21. Long hair is uncomfortable in his Lacrosse helmet.

This is the most practical reason.

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