21 Days Of Heartbreak

21 Days Of Heartbreak

Journal entries recording 21 days after a breakup
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If you’ve ever experienced heartbreak then you understand that it’s some of the worst pain there is, but you also understand that you learn so much from it. Writing gave me a way to express my emotions in a very real and honest way and it helped me to eventually heal from that pain. I recorded 21 days of journal entries after breaking up with the first person I ever fell in love with and I decided to publish it because even though at the time I felt like no one could understand what I was going through, I now realize that there are tons of people out there who can relate to how i was feeling. The message I want to send is one of the hope, love and faithfulness that God offers us even in the toughest seasons.

Day 0: I cried all my makeup off before work today, then you surprised me at my doorstep with three yellow roses and three red ones. We kayaked on the reservoir and then watched the sun go down on our dock and held each other like it would last forever. You texted me "I love you always. until next time my best of friends" and I answered with "I love you forever." I do.

Day 1: I woke up to the white noise of your phone call after crying until 3 am with you on the line, then I cried for 2 more hours. I spent the day with friends and everyone wanted to go to Applebee's, but I couldn't go because we had just been there Monday night and you let me order my two favorite appetizers. I couldn't look at that table where we sat without my heart splitting.

Day 2: We said goodbye until September 7 because we both needed time alone; I'm counting down the days. I kept my phone on ring tonight in case you called, even though I knew you wouldn't… then I cried my heart out until I could fall asleep.

Day 3: I didn't wake up crying this morning, even though my dreams were about you. I didn't cry until the song we slow danced to at prom came on the radio. Another boy called me beautiful today and it didn't mean anything because it didn't come from you.

Day 4: I woke up from a dream about you and I could feel you with me again. Also seeing pictures of happy couples makes my heart just crumble because that should be us.

Day 5: I was driving near your house tonight and it took everything in me not to pull into your driveway and knock on your door just to feel you hold me again.

Day 6: I told you that I missed you today and you answered as if we were friends, not in love anymore, and my heart shattered into pieces and I cried until I could fall asleep.

Day 7: I woke up at 4 am and wished I was in your arms. During the daytimes, I've been okay, but at night time I lay in my bed and wish you still wanted me. It makes my heart break.

Day 8: I think you went to our favorite Starbucks yesterday. I haven't been able to go because it makes me too sad.

Day 9: The beautiful flowers you gave me are dying now, so I have to throw them away before college but I saved petals from them.

Day 10: I had a dream that my house was flooding and I had to take as many things with me as I could carry. I took your box of letters and polaroids with all my most important belongings.

Day 11: I got on a plane and flew a thousand miles away from you today. I don't think you know how hard it was for me not to call you one last time last night.

Day 12: You were in my dreams again tonight and I kept accidentally calling you babe and you were telling me it's ok, but it wasn't.

Day 13: Today we drove in the pouring rain and I thought about how when you're driving and you can't really see what's ahead when you drive under a bridge and there is some clarity and security and everything stops. Being with you was being under a bridge, but now it's pouring on me again.

Day 14: I kept thinking of the night we said goodbye and how you wanted to kiss me one last time and I didn't let you. I wanted to only remember the happy kisses, no goodbyes. I couldn't stop thinking about how you let me just walk away and how you said goodnight for the last time and I cried until I could sleep again.

Day 15: I had a dream that you wanted me back last night. It's been 2 weeks since we broke up, but it feels like I haven't seen you in forever. I miss holding your hand.

Day 16: I wanted to bring you back something from vacation, but I couldn't really find anything. I miss you. You look like you're doing really well and you're really happy.

Day 17: You gave me all this happiness and love, then you took it all away from me and it's not fair. I have to get up every day and pretend that I'm okay with the fact that I loved someone with everything I could and it wasn't enough for him to stay with me and it's not ripping my heart into pieces even weeks later. I cried until i could sleep again, for hours. Until i felt like i had no more tears left.

Day 18: I got to my new home in Lakeland and it's perfect and I love it, but it still doesn’t really feel like home without you.

Day 19: I moved in and hung a photo of us from New Years on my wall because you're too important to not be in one of the pictures.

Day 20: I actually forgot to write to you this day.

Day 21: They say it takes 21 days to break a habit and I don't think of you so much anymore. I don't leave my phone on ring at night anymore either.

Day 184: I’m finally happy without you. I’m so happy and content and it feels good.

Heartbreak is sad and it can be lonely and so hard some days, but it has taught me that there is always hope and these things don’t last forever. Although it took more than 21 days, one of the biggest things I’ve come to realize is that seasons of heartbreak and loneliness are only temporary because there is always victory in Christ. Romans 8:38 tells us that “We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us” - we are MORE than conquerors! We are overwhelmingly victorious because God is so much greater than the lies that heartbreak feeds us. Lies like “I’m not enough," “I did something wrong," “If he didn’t love me then who will?” - God is greater than any doubt or any fear. He’s greater than toxic relationships, lust and rejection.

No matter what season of life you’re in, I just want to encourage you! Throughout every season of life whether it’s a time of joy or sadness, God remains faithful and patient with us. How lucky are we to receive a never ending love from the One who knows every part of us? God sees the good, the bad and the ugly and His love never wavers. He allows us to endure seasons with a purpose and He promises to carry us through it all.

Cover Image Credit: Grace Jicha

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To The Sweet Girl With A Broken Heart

Words of wisdom for every girl...

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To the sweet girl with a broken heart,

Do you feel like you're stuck in this hole, six feet under, with absolutely no way to get out? You are not alone, and I promise you there is a ladder just waiting for you to climb it. I know your heart feels like it's been shot, and your gut feels like it's been punched one hundred times.

This feeling is just temporary, and I can tell you that because I've experienced it first hand. I know you feel alone, and like you're the only person who has ever felt this much heartache. I can promise you that you are never alone, and there are so many girls that can relate to you in ways you never thought possible. Don't let one guy dictate your way of life. Don't let one guy dull your sparkle.

Don't let one guy change your heart, or your remarkable personality. Sounds really silly when you read it back doesn't it? All of this hurt, tears, and confusion over one guy! Don't get me wrong, I know that this one guy was your world, you truly thought he was going to be in your life forever.

Up until this point, you didn't see a life without him in it. Girlfriend, look at yourself in the mirror. You are doing this whole breakup thing all on your own, and you're doing a great job at it. You picked up the pieces, and are carrying on all by yourself. You have been through the most extreme roller coaster of emotions, and you road it solo.

That says something, something really special. That says that you are stronger than you ever thought you were. Realize that! This is God's plan for you, to show you just how amazing you are. That you can conquer all things, and handle them in the most graceful way possible.

You are special. You are beautiful. You are unique. You are you! And that's one hell of a thing to be because you are the only you on this planet!

Lift your chin up, hold your head high, and show the world exactly who you are. Never change for anybody. Ever! Heck, get back to that girl you were before him. Strong, independent, confident, selfish. I know the word selfish seems so, well, selfish. But It's okay to be selfish sometimes, especially when it comes to defending your own heart.

Take that vacation, dress up just because, do your makeup and take selfies just because you want to, go to the gym, get that tan, go to that party, spend time with your greatest friends, hug your mom!

Do all of these things carelessly, do them because you deserve it, and because you can! And at first you may be doing them as a distraction from all that you've been through, but soon enough you'll find that you're doing them not because you need to, but because you want to!

Simply because this really is the new and improved you. Learn from this pain. Learn to love yourself again without him, without constantly feeling like you need to be reminded by him that you are loved. Instead, love yourself and I assure you when other people see that, they'll love you even more.

Girls, when we love someone, we love deeply, we love wholeheartedly, and that person never has to question our love for them. You deserve that same exact love in return. There are plenty of other guys out there just waiting to take care of your heart, and love you unconditionally. You deserve nothing but that!

Do not stop until you find that guy. You can change the world just by being a kind hearted human being. Don't get revenge, don't force yourself to move on as quickly as he did, don't torture yourself with remembering "the old him," and definitely don't change. I know it's hard to see him changing in the worst way, to the point where you don't even recognize him anymore. To the point where he feels like a complete stranger to you.

Do not stoop to his level. Trust me, one day, he will look back on his life and probably regret losing you. Of course, I know all you're wishing is that he'd be able to see that right now, but that just isn't God's plan. Be patient with yourself. Allow yourself the time to grieve, and hurt, and be upset.

Those are all good things.

That is what is going to allow you to heal, and move on to become a better, stronger, happier, and more mature you! I promise you, that a year from now all that you're stressing about will not mean a thing. This is our one and only chance at life, we can not let one person take away all the happiness that we deserve.

The right guy will never leave, even when times get tough he will always fight for you. I saw something on twitter that said, "take sex away and you'll come to realize that not many individuals have much to offer. This generation is so pressed for the physicality that ya'll forget mentality creates the bond and forms longevity."

That hit extremely close to home for me and is something that everyone needs to remember.

Fall in love with somebody's heart, mind, and soul. Go beyond their looks, go beyond the attraction, dig deeper. Don't be that shallow girl, who doesn't know how to love the right way. You are so much better than that. To every single broken hearted girl, I am so proud of you! I am always here for you, you have so much love and support. I've realized that myself. As I write this, I feel relief, no longer sad or dwelling on the past. What is coming is always better than what is gone. Now get that beautiful smile back on your face because you are too pretty to be sad.

P.S. To the "other girl" (if there is one).

How dare you take him away from me? You knew exactly what you were doing. You knew my whole heart was on the line. Women need to start respecting other women. Think before you act. Would you want to be in my position? I sure as hell hope not, and now that you have him I hope you're thinking about how you hurt me. And if you're not, then you have a lot to learn about life hunny.

It's kinda weird because I can't hate either of you. Simply because I want nothing but the best for him. It's crazy how someone can break your heart into a million pieces, but you still have such a special place in your shattered heart for them. Besides that, take good care of him. I hope he can learn from you, and love you in all the ways he couldn't love me or any of his other ex's. Every relationship is a lesson, and there is always something to learn. So thank you for teaching me mine.

P.S- To "the guy who did this" Imagine you have a daughter someday, and some boy breaks her heart the way you did mine. I hope you think back to this, and remember me. Maybe by that time, you'll feel sorry.

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If You THINK You're Too Dependent On Your Boyfriend, You Probably Are

Depend on yourself before you depend on him.

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Don't get me wrong, having a boyfriend and being in love is an incredible feeling. But when you depend on your boyfriend for everything and forget how to do things on your own, it becomes a major problem. You might not see it but your family and friends do. Yes he's your boyfriend and of course, you want to spend every single second with him but you can't carry him around in the back of your pocket for the rest of your life. So here's to the girls who are too dependent on your boyfriends, I think you girls might want to hear this.

First and foremost, I completely understand what it's like to be in love and want to spend every second with your boyfriend. I get that he is one of your best friends, one of the people you can trust the most, one of the sources of your happiness, one of your stress relievers, one of the things that brings you comfort, one of the people you can rant to for anything, one of the people that you can cry to about anything, one of the people that you want to make memories with, one of the people that you want to spend the rest of your life with and so much more.

Did you notice I said one of, for all that? He is just one of the people you can go to for all of that, not the only one. You have friends and family who can do all of that too. And trust me, we want to. While yes you might prefer him to those other people, it's still important to keep your friends and family in the loop of what's going on in your life and it's even more important just to keep them in your life.

When you choose your boyfriend over your friends and family for everything, you're slowly pushing them out of your life. I, and everyone else who's been where I have been, completely understand if you already have plans with your boyfriend, or if something is going on you want to spend time with him. But to blow off your friends every single time for him is a slap in the face to us. Or to invite him to everything we do is another slap in the face. Of course as friends and family, we want to spend time with your boyfriend but it gets awkward third wheeling.

Go out with your family and friends without him sometimes and make tons of memories, as you did before. Rant and cry to friends and family sometimes instead, we care about you and your feelings, just as much as he does... maybe, even more, when you guys are fighting. When you don't talk to or see your friends and family without him there, you're pretty much telling us that you don't like being around us and that by bringing him, it makes it more bearable for you.

With that being said, you have to let him do the same. You have to let him have time for his family and friends without you. It looks super weird that you follow him around like a lost little puppy dog. Let him have time with the guys, without you being there or showing up at some point. To tag along to every little thing he does isn't healthy. Tagging along to everything thing your boyfriend does, probably makes his friends, a little uncomfortable, especially when they want their guy time and you're the only girl and they don't want you to feel awkward or left out. Or his family wants to spend time with just him and catch up.

Do things apart from each other, so when you are together you have stories to tell and pictures to show them.

Speaking of doing things apart from each other. Don't let an amazing opportunity slip away because you have to spend time away from your boyfriend. Did I leave my boyfriend to do the Disney College Program, hell yes I did. Am I going to apply again in August or maybe January? Hell yes, I am. Don't be afraid to explore things without him, even if it makes you uncomfortable, because you never know when you might get a great opportunity again.

Learning to do things alone is scary, I get it. But don't base your schedule around his, I've seen so many girls do this and it just back fries in the end. Unless you have kids, you do not plan your schedules around him or know where he is at every single second.

You never know, one day he might not be there anymore, and if you're always with your boyfriend and forgetting about friends and family, you might not have them either. And then what? Who do you depend on?

I wish you all would learn to depend on yourself before you depend completely on your boyfriend for everything. You are capable of so many things alone. You might feel like your boyfriend completes you and makes you whole, but in reality, you were already complete without him. He's just an added bonus. Don't give up your friends, family, and life because you want to be attached at the hip. You might lose more than you gain by doing that.

This goes for couples who have been dating for all lengths of time. It could be six months or six years.

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