If you’ve ever experienced heartbreak then you understand that it’s some of the worst pain there is, but you also understand that you learn so much from it. Writing gave me a way to express my emotions in a very real and honest way and it helped me to eventually heal from that pain. I recorded 21 days of journal entries after breaking up with the first person I ever fell in love with and I decided to publish it because even though at the time I felt like no one could understand what I was going through, I now realize that there are tons of people out there who can relate to how i was feeling. The message I want to send is one of the hope, love and faithfulness that God offers us even in the toughest seasons.
Day 0: I cried all my makeup off before work today, then you surprised me at my doorstep with three yellow roses and three red ones. We kayaked on the reservoir and then watched the sun go down on our dock and held each other like it would last forever. You texted me "I love you always. until next time my best of friends" and I answered with "I love you forever." I do.
Day 1: I woke up to the white noise of your phone call after crying until 3 am with you on the line, then I cried for 2 more hours. I spent the day with friends and everyone wanted to go to Applebee's, but I couldn't go because we had just been there Monday night and you let me order my two favorite appetizers. I couldn't look at that table where we sat without my heart splitting.
Day 2: We said goodbye until September 7 because we both needed time alone; I'm counting down the days. I kept my phone on ring tonight in case you called, even though I knew you wouldn't… then I cried my heart out until I could fall asleep.
Day 3: I didn't wake up crying this morning, even though my dreams were about you. I didn't cry until the song we slow danced to at prom came on the radio. Another boy called me beautiful today and it didn't mean anything because it didn't come from you.
Day 4: I woke up from a dream about you and I could feel you with me again. Also seeing pictures of happy couples makes my heart just crumble because that should be us.
Day 5: I was driving near your house tonight and it took everything in me not to pull into your driveway and knock on your door just to feel you hold me again.
Day 6: I told you that I missed you today and you answered as if we were friends, not in love anymore, and my heart shattered into pieces and I cried until I could fall asleep.
Day 7: I woke up at 4 am and wished I was in your arms. During the daytimes, I've been okay, but at night time I lay in my bed and wish you still wanted me. It makes my heart break.
Day 8: I think you went to our favorite Starbucks yesterday. I haven't been able to go because it makes me too sad.
Day 9: The beautiful flowers you gave me are dying now, so I have to throw them away before college but I saved petals from them.
Day 10: I had a dream that my house was flooding and I had to take as many things with me as I could carry. I took your box of letters and polaroids with all my most important belongings.
Day 11: I got on a plane and flew a thousand miles away from you today. I don't think you know how hard it was for me not to call you one last time last night.
Day 12: You were in my dreams again tonight and I kept accidentally calling you babe and you were telling me it's ok, but it wasn't.
Day 13: Today we drove in the pouring rain and I thought about how when you're driving and you can't really see what's ahead when you drive under a bridge and there is some clarity and security and everything stops. Being with you was being under a bridge, but now it's pouring on me again.
Day 14: I kept thinking of the night we said goodbye and how you wanted to kiss me one last time and I didn't let you. I wanted to only remember the happy kisses, no goodbyes. I couldn't stop thinking about how you let me just walk away and how you said goodnight for the last time and I cried until I could sleep again.
Day 15: I had a dream that you wanted me back last night. It's been 2 weeks since we broke up, but it feels like I haven't seen you in forever. I miss holding your hand.
Day 16: I wanted to bring you back something from vacation, but I couldn't really find anything. I miss you. You look like you're doing really well and you're really happy.
Day 17: You gave me all this happiness and love, then you took it all away from me and it's not fair. I have to get up every day and pretend that I'm okay with the fact that I loved someone with everything I could and it wasn't enough for him to stay with me and it's not ripping my heart into pieces even weeks later. I cried until i could sleep again, for hours. Until i felt like i had no more tears left.
Day 18: I got to my new home in Lakeland and it's perfect and I love it, but it still doesn’t really feel like home without you.
Day 19: I moved in and hung a photo of us from New Years on my wall because you're too important to not be in one of the pictures.
Day 20: I actually forgot to write to you this day.
Day 21: They say it takes 21 days to break a habit and I don't think of you so much anymore. I don't leave my phone on ring at night anymore either.
Day 184: I’m finally happy without you. I’m so happy and content and it feels good.
Heartbreak is sad and it can be lonely and so hard some days, but it has taught me that there is always hope and these things don’t last forever. Although it took more than 21 days, one of the biggest things I’ve come to realize is that seasons of heartbreak and loneliness are only temporary because there is always victory in Christ. Romans 8:38 tells us that “We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us” - we are MORE than conquerors! We are overwhelmingly victorious because God is so much greater than the lies that heartbreak feeds us. Lies like “I’m not enough," “I did something wrong," “If he didn’t love me then who will?” - God is greater than any doubt or any fear. He’s greater than toxic relationships, lust and rejection.
No matter what season of life you’re in, I just want to encourage you! Throughout every season of life whether it’s a time of joy or sadness, God remains faithful and patient with us. How lucky are we to receive a never ending love from the One who knows every part of us? God sees the good, the bad and the ugly and His love never wavers. He allows us to endure seasons with a purpose and He promises to carry us through it all.