Dearest 2017,

I thought I’d write you a letter to start this new year off on the right foot. I don’t know what you’ve got planned for this small rotating rock in space, but I sure as hell hope it’s better than the cow-pie that we called 2016. As you might know, your buddy 2016 wasn't the kindest to the human race. Any poor, unfortunate soul who posted a picture ringing in the new year saying “this is going to be my year!” was dead wrong. When the earth took it's 2016 ^th revolution around the Sun (A.D.), we had no idea this is what it was going to bring. Let’s go down the list, shall we? First off, your friend 2016 robbed the world of some of the greatest human beings this Earth have ever known – Alan Rickman, David Bowie, Prince, Harambe, and Willy Wonka for crying out loud. Hath ye no mercy?! But the atrocities don’t stop there.

I’m not sure what changed, but in 2016 people decided to take it upon themselves to dress as clowns and run around with various sorts of weaponry. Hopefully, 2017, can this fad be resurfaced except instead of clowns, people dressed as unicorns and instead of assorted weapons, it’s cupcakes? Great, thanks. Moreover, 2016 brought in the innovation of eliminating the headphone jack in iPhones, really? Where in the heck am I supposed to plug my aux cord in now? Thanks, Apple. As if the lack of music in my car because I don’t have Bluetooth technology wasn’t enough, Samsung owners must live in fear that their cell phones are going to self-destruct because apparently, Samsung products do that now.

Just when you thought 2016 ruined all that you thought was good in the world, it upped the ante by perverting the happiest place on Earth into a child-eating gator-infested swamp. Just when you think it can get any worse, more fuel was added to the fire in 2016 by allowing a convicted rapist to roam freely because he can swim fast. I’m sure most murders can swim at a decent speed, shall we let them wander the streets as well? Think I’ve run out of grievances from 2016? Think again. Apparently, there is a new type of bubble wrap that’s been invented where the bubbles don’t pop. Seriously? Come on, 2016. Oh, and don’t even get me started on Brexit. To top it all off, a Cheeto with a crappy toupee is about to be the leader of the free world. So yeah, 2017, I implore you, be better than your even-numbered counterpart.

Sincerely,

Everyone