In spite of it being nearly a month after the movie's opening weekend and against my better judgment, I finally came around to watching Fifty Shades of Grey, and boy was it an experience.

And I'm not referring to having some out-of-body sexual awakening. Watching Fifty Shades was an experience in the sense that it was kind of comical. The unnecessary whispering, the weird glances, and the suggestive dialogue shared between Jamie Dornan's Christian Grey and Dakota Johnson's Anastasia Steele felt more like watching your grandparents “spicing up" their love lives than watching two people in love.

Other than the clear lack of chemistry between the two main characters, there were some serious holes in the story, but also, I had some equally serious questions to pose to everyone involved in my moving-going experience. So this was the break down of everything that was going on through my head from beginning to end. Fair warning: there's some spoilers, but what's to spoil on a movie that's already rotten?

1. Why is this place so packed? Didn't this movie come out, like, a month ago?

2. Why are there so many middle aged couples here? Who's idea was it to do this for date night?

3. Why is the definition of low-key sexless females amount to frizzy hair, bangs, and a bad cardigan?

4. Dang, why is Jamie Dornan so attractive?

5. What are those weird things on his chest? Is that CGI or is that just a bad skin condition?

6. Why is Christian Grey in either jeans or just his butt? Why is that a thing?

7. Who whispers to each other in a crowded coffee shop? Why do they whisper in general? Who has that good of hearing?

8. How can Christian Grey just buy Anastasia a computer and car, yet I can't get a guy to pay for my kolache?

9. Why would any person spend this much money on a room full of sex toys? Can't you just spend that money buying a Chipotle franchise?

10. Wait, is that a whip or a sword?

11. Hm, who knew there were so many different types of handcuffs?

12. Are we seriously sitting through how she loses her virginity - wait, hold the phone, no, did she seriously not shave her legs prior to going Christian's apartment? Even though she expected to “make love?"

13. Why did the director zoom in on her unshaven legs? Like, we get it, she's supposed to be frumpy, but what guy would be okay with that?

14. Why is Rita Ora in the movie? Why is she even relevant?

15. How exactly do you go from virgin to sex slave masochist and not hurt just a little bit?

16. How does any women find this remotely okay? Even worse, why is this a turn on?

17. Why do I feel too familiar with Dakota Johnson's boobs and armpits?

18. Wait, WAS THERE A CHILD IN OUR MOVIE THEATER?

20. What did I just watch?