Just to state, suicide is no joking matter. If anyone ever tells you they want to commit suicide, try to help them in any way possible. Some signs that someone you know is contemplating suicide are; depression, bipolar behavior, talking about suicide, anxiety, drinking or drug use, and internet searches.
I came out on January 24, 2015 over snapchat with a fellow coworker. I remember that night perfectly. I had multiple thoughts running through my head like, “Will my friends still be my friends?” or “Will I ever find love in this small town?” I told my best friend at the time over snapchat because I was scared she would screenshot the iMessage without me knowing. Over time, I told my close friend Taylor while watching Beyoncé on the Grammy’s. She said she didn’t really care and that started to make me feel better. As time went on, more and more people knew and people I told were telling other people and I was ok with that. I was getting more and more comfortable with that. As junior year and senior came to a close, everyone knew and was accepting of me. I didn’t have to cut any friends off and they even joked about it with me.
Whenever it was time to move to Anderson, I was happy for a fresh start. When I first got here, I was kind of quiet and I dressed the way I dressed in high school. As time went on, people were always staring at me because of me being gay. I hated the feeling of eyes always staring at me. I started to miss classes and not go anywhere without a friend. If I had no one to eat with, I didn’t eat. I didn’t have a lot of friends so it was hard to talk to anyone. Soon, I found my best friend, Phil, and we became “bros.” That’s when things made a turn for the worse.
During second semester, I started to really contemplate killing myself. Nothing was going the way I wanted it to. I had no love life, no one was there for me 100%, I was arguing with all my friends…I just wanted it to end. I tried talking to my other best friend, Nick, and he would always get mad at me for even thinking that way. I texted him for months about it, and even though he was always mad at for wanting to kill myself, he would talk to me. I’m eternally grateful for him for being there for me.
The suicidal thoughts left my head about 3 months ago and getting a new job made everything much better as well. I have been happier and I have thought about the last couple of years. Music has helped me in some many ways. 2 years ago, I was introduced to Troye Sivan, and his “Blue Neighbourhood” album. He said everything I was thinking but didn’t know how to say. That is and will always be my favorite album. I never really listened to an album until I heard Troye’s album. I saw him in concert twice that year and it inspired me the way he lives his life. I am a huge Beyoncé fan and when she released “Lemonade,” I felt every emotion she sang about. I was empowered to go out in the world and kick some tail and to not be afraid to be vulnerable to myself and those around me.
I realized me killing myself was incredibly selfish of me. I may be fixing my own problems by dying, but I am leaving behind so many people who love and care about me. My mom would be forced to bury her only child. My little half-brother would only have me as a distant memory, my best friends and closest cousins would be changed for the rest of their lives. I quickly realized it wasn’t worth it. I heard about the suicide hotline and textline. Now I call and text whenever I ever get those thoughts in my head. If anyone wants to kill themselves, please help them or ask them to call the Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255) or text anytime to the Crisis Hotline (741-741).
