If you scroll down your Facebook wall or your Twitter feed right now, I can guarantee that you will come across an article, a listicle, or a think piece at least once. Accompanied by an alluring photo or drawing, there is probably a headline ready to assault you with phrases like “you literally”, “you have to”, “you need to,” "you won't believe", “life changing”, etc. I bet there is a number thrown in the title, too (How else would I have gotten your attention?).
I used to ignore such exaggerated clickbait because I always thought the links would lead to malicious computer viruses. However, after seeing friends and the people I follow constantly share such content, I realized these articles are seriously written by real people. With this proper knowledge now instilled in me, I still ignore clickbait articles. Yet, I often come across headlines that I cannot help but whisper to myself, “WTF.”
For your entertainment, I have gathered 16 of my favorite, most ridiculous clickbait headlines. I even continued on to read these articles until I had enough of the nonsense, which did not take very long.
1. “A Man Sent His Girlfriend Bags Of Flour After She Hinted She Would Like Him To Send Her Flowers”
This ridiculous title also doubles as the story, so no need to continue reading.
2. “46 Life-Changing Style Tips Every Woman Should Know”
“Keep it simple” comes directly after “Go ahead, get weird,” and I will leave the turtlenecks in my Pre-K class pictures, thank you very much, #13.
3. “10 Peanut Butter Recipes That’ll Take You To Heaven And Back”
A Reese’s peanut butter cookie dough cheese ball actually sounds repulsive.
4. "24 B&W Floral Tattoos That Will Have You In A Frenzy"
MY LIMBS ARE FLAILING IN AN UNSTOPPABLE FRENZY!
5. “A Couple Rode Into Their Wedding Reception On Unicorn Jet Skis Like Bosses”
If this was 2009, “like bosses” would’ve had me hooked. Alas, it is 2015; trends have changed.
6. “54 Simpsons Tattoos That Don’t Include The Simpsons”
I initially found this clickbait to be misleading. Turns out, the title reads as “54 The Simpsons Tattoos That Don’t Include The Simpsons,” as in tattoos that don’t include the members of the Simpson family. However, #33 is a phrase directed at Bart Simpson, so I guess the title should be “53 Tattoos That Don’t Include The Simpsons”. Other than that, this was the most entertaining listicle I came across, which says something for a person who hasn’t watched a full episode of The Simpsons in at least ten years.
7. “17 Lion Vines That Will Kill You With Cuteness”
The Vines stopped loading for me after #7, but I’m still kickin’. I have to admit, #3 was cute – but not cute enough to kill me.
8. “Can We Guess Where You Were Born Based On Random Questions?”
I don’t need to take a quiz to answer your question with a stone-cold “no”. I was born in New Jersey, not Toronto.
9. “We Need to Talk About McDonald’s Mac ‘N’ Cheese Bites”
Really? Do we really?
10. “Little Childhood Moments That Sent You Off the Deep End”
It was a summer barbeque at my cousin’s house, 1999. I had discovered ants all over my push pop I had saved for later on in that hot, sunny day. Distraught, I jumped into the deep end of the pool. My body sank to the bottom, for I was unaware of what I should do with myself after the horrifying discovery.
11. “Try Not To Cry As This Colorblind Man Sees His First Sunset in Full Color”
No no no no no no no. I see you trying to pull the sympathy card and invite me to defeat a challenge in one headline. This clickbait is so obvious I would never fall for it. I don’t need personal validation because I didn’t cry at a stranger’s touching moment. (Note: for purposes of this article, I scanned through the .gifs accompanied by commentary which were posted above the video. I did not cry.)
12. “The ‘Paper Towns’ and ‘Tangled’ Movie Posters Are Literally The Same”
This is more of an inaccurate statement rather than a lead-in to what is in the article. Again, this title doubles as the story, so no need to follow the link.
13. “If You Look Up The Word ‘Cute’ In The Dictionary, You’ll Probably See A Photo Of This Baby Wallaby”
Probably, but definitely not.
14. “This Grizzly Bear Was Caught Rolling Down A Hill Like A Little Kid”
Please see #1 and #12.
15. “Slang Terms That Will Give You Intense 90s Flashbacks”
I now remember the moment like it was yesterday. I am back at that same summer BBQ in 1999. My older cousin’s cute friend rescues me from the bottom of the deep end. He stands me up by my shoulders at the edge of the pool. As I gasp for air, he gazes deep into my eyes. Sincerely, he tells me: “Quit buggin’, butt munch,” and shoves me back into the water.
Spoiler alert: These four girls take turns slicing each other’s faces off with butcher knives and baking each face in an oven at 375°F. The results are a bit messy.
